Archive for January, 2005
I did not fall asleep last night until after 1:00am because of my contacts. I have the habit of wearing them well over the time recommended and sometimes they really cause a lot of discomfort because of my abuse. I would take them out more often if I could see with my glasses, but I hate to see the world through a blur… Anyway it took about forty-five minutes to remove the contacts and all of it was painful. Today I left them out for most of the day. I put them in about 8:30pm because even though my eyes did not feel really good I wanted to see the computer screen clearly.
Did not wake to the screeching alarm this morning… Mom had to call me at 7:10am and tell me to cut the damn thing off. Penny had jumped in bed with me sometime recently and promptly left when I got up.
I managed to deliver Alex to the bus on time, but was so blind and so uncomfortable with my eyes that I could not see the bus numbers.
I had to fix Mom’s medicine for the next two weeks this morning. I was supposed to do it last night, but somehow I missed it. I think the uncomfortable contacts may have been at fault, or possibly I just got busy and forgot. I think the contacts can handle the blame… I don’t hear them complaining.
This placing all her pills in their respective dispensers has become a regular job for me. I don’t mind and have a system for doing it, but if I were not here she would have to have a nurse come in and take care of it. It is a complicated procedure because she is on so much medication. For a while she was paying $1000.00 to $1400.00 a month for meds, but I got her on some programs that have brought the cost down tremendously. Due to the overhaul of Medicare some of the programs have already disappeared and the others end in the near future. If I cannot get her on the pharmaceutical companies patient assistance programs her bill stands to go back up to nearly what it was before. See the medicines she is on are new and there are no generics for most of them. If they were going to do something about prescription drugs they should have done a lot more. People like Mom who are on Social Security and have to take lots of meds for a quality of life need help… She was spending more on medication than she draws and it will be like that again if I cannot get the patient assistance stuff set up. The thing is I am not sure where to start, and the staffs at the medical offices are not really willing to help find aid. I know there must be a way, and I will try to find it, but it is not the easiest thing in the world for someone like me to do. It is uber stressful and we all know I am supposed to avoid stress.
When I die I want to come back rich… I am so tried of being poor. Poor is stressful and darn it stress makes everything else worse.
Anyway… I am beginning to think that compartmentalizing my life is a big part of the problem with me. I think having all these different secrets to keep from one or another segment of the people in my life drives me crazy. Like here, there are things I don’t say because some of my readership, if there is a readership, might find out something they should not know. I won’t give you a for instance because “they” might be reading… but the theory that it is all to do with compartmentalization intrigues me.
When I have a breakdown and cannot function at all is it because I am too confused to know who the heck I am anymore, or what to say to explain myself? There may be something to this, but I am not professional enough to know. I should probably mention it to my psychiatrist, but he is always so busy I try not to take up too much of his time… and he would probably just listen and nod his head anyway. He is so understanding and so kind and good. He is the best doctor I have ever had, and believe me I have had enough of them to know what, with dealing with this damn disease since 1981. It is no walk in the park I tell you, but life is still good and I enjoy some of it.
When people look at me funny and say, “You have got to be crazy!” I just nod and think ‘Well, yeah, I even have papers.’
About those papers, one day I was talking to my doctor and I said something like, “So the file is pretty thick. You must have a lot of information to prove how crazy I really am.” He looked at me smiling and said, verbatim, “No, all this proves you’re sane.” That was sweet considering my diagnosis. The latest of which is Schizo-Affective Disorder which is near as I can understand it, having both Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder mixed together. A near lethal mix of mental illnesses if there ever was one. I rather just say Schizophrenic and leave it at that as was done with me for many years.
My chart is thinner now, they archived my information recently.
Just so you know, I am on some of the best medications the drug companies can provide and am doing very well right now, thanks. I am not a danger to myself at present and am relatively happy with life. Schizophrenia (Schizo-Affective Disorder) can be managed although there is no cure… and a person can have a somewhat normal life. Not everything in the news, movies, books, and media in general about severe mental illness is true. One thing, we are not all psychotic maniacs, although we may at times deal with challenges that send us into psychosis. I have not been hospitalized for a breakdown since 1997, but did spend some time in one for an overdose (suicide-attempt) in 2000. I was in duress and have vowed to never do anything so stupid again. I have never and will never be a danger to anyone else. I love people too much to want to hurt anyone.
Well, I digress, back to today… The day was beautiful and I went for a long walk, in fact, went for two. I finished reading The Prodigal by Derek Walcott. The language of this book length poem was excellent although I kinda tired of reading it as I went along. I started Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris. This one is tasty… great stories of life. If you get the chance to read it do.
I cooked steaks and ramen this evening. It was such an improvement over ramen alone. Alex ate it up in no time at all. Sixteen year olds love to eat, leastways mine does and he is quite thin. Amazing he stays thin since he is a geek and rarely gets out. Thank God he has his own computer now or I would not ever have started this blog. We could not share really well. He hogs computer time when there is only one.
It is okay to be deep in debt if it brings your only child happiness… I keep trying to convince myself of this, but somewhere a doubt niggles at me. I am scared of the debt, sometimes I fear it will swallow me up, but I cannot worry about it too much now, I will worry about it later when it comes to get me and carry me away.
I read some interesting articles on the net this evening… Maybe sometime soon I will learn to link to them so you can read them too.
Well, I should let you go before I bore you to death.
You are a gift from the hand of the Creator…
Be aware of your importance…
In all places, times, persons, there has never been another exactly like me. I am a wonder and a treasure. I have gifts, talents, thoughts, ideas, expressions, and emotions that are uniquely special. There is purpose in my existence.
I am a perfect manifestation of the love of God. I have power and worth. My ability to create is unlimited. I am a blessing. I have no neediness or wantingness for all abundance continually accrues toward me.
I am beautiful for I am a creature made in God’s own image. I am an eternal being of love. My actions and words are right and good. I have no reason to fear.
Love flows from me into the world, changing lives. I inspire others to reach for their higher selves. They see their greatness reflected in my eyes and my actions toward them.
Every day I become more. I am constantly growing into the person I want to be. I am aware and awake to whom I am. God inhabits my world and me. With this unity, I can do miracles.
I am sure of myself, and of God. The light and love of the Savior infuse me. I am vastly important, supremely creative, because I AM.
© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Wednesday, April 12, 2000