Checking In…

I went to bed around 1:30AM and woke up at 10:00AM. I had some of the strangest dreams of which some of them were very violent. I think yesterday got to me on really deep levels. I am still recuperating, probably will be for several days.
 
My arm and hand are very sore. The tension has built up in my neck and shoulders so that I wish I had a masseuse. Yet, I am very grateful that Alex and I are apparently going to be able to remain here with mother.
 
When Alex left and went to my brother’s yesterday he was so upset that he did not think to knock on the door and just walked into my brother’s house. My brother began to rake him over the coals. I think this was partly because the witch had called up there before my son reached my brother’s. Anyway, he said that Alex was well on his way to being just like me. Useless and lazy and a liability to others. This and his general rudeness caused Alex to feel betrayed because he had gone to my brother for help. That is why he came home and did not want to talk for some time. It was not because he was upset with me. Alex has begged my brother to be more considerate to him and he refuses to give my son any respect.
 
I have a very dysfunctional family and I am always the one who catches the blame for all the problems. I know I have problems, but they are a big part of mine, and I am not the cause of all of theirs. Everyone has issues in life, we can deal with them or cause hurt to others because of them. I try to deal with mine best I know how. That is why I continue in therapy. Most of my family thinks I am just taking advantage of other people and that my counselors and psychiatrists are fooled by me. This makes it hard to understand that others are genuinely trying to help me. It also stigmatizes the care I receive. I wish I did not need help, but sincerely believe that I do.
 
Mom says that she is not mad at me over what happened yesterday, but that she just did not know what to do when I begged her to make the witch leave. She felt caught in the middle, which I can relate to very well. Mom’s situation is that if my brother dies, which he may because he has lung cancer, that she will have to deal with my nephew and by extension his mother the witch, because they will be in charge of my brother’s estate which includes the care of my mother insofar as she can see it. My brother is the person on her accounts and the property is in his name though Mom and Dad bought it and suchlike. The rest of the family thinks I might take advantage of mother had I any control which is ludicrous, but they believe me to be the scum of the earth because I am on disability and do not have a "Real" job. What I do for Mom on a daily basis is totally discounted by them, but if I fail to do something I catch hell.
 
The dynamics of all of this are so convoluted that it is very confusing to live in these conditions and very stressful. There are contributing factors to all this that I have not discussed here yet… I will get to it eventually. I sort of hate to write it all out because so much of it is dark and negative. That was not my intention for this blog. Although I believe my story deserves telling, I am not totally sure this is the correct medium in which to do it. Part of my intention for doing this was to motivate me to write everyday… because I have not been very consistent in that endeavor for quite a while. My counselors have the blog address so they may check in as they have time… but most of what I have found to write about is my life… and it is not always a pretty picture. I am not sure anyone is really interested in all my trials and triumphs, but I hope that there is enough here to provide something to think about… I hope too that my opinions and observations do not offend anyone. I think we can celebrate differences between us and maybe become more understanding of others through communication… Writing out my thoughts and experiences helps me understand myself and brings fresh insight too.
 
Well, that seems to be all for now.
 
TTYL,
Jo Ann
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