I Think You Might Want To Know…

I want to let all of you know that I am home. I got here on late Friday afternoon. I would have been on my own blog to let you know earlier, but I have run into some small glitches resuming my life here at home. Please understand that I will get more information to each of you who cares so much as I can. I am not back to full strength even now, but I am much better. I expect to be back fully to myself by Monday, if I just take it easy. Your thoughts and prayers have meant a lot to me and I am so glad to have such wonderful friends.

 

Love to all,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by Kimberly on April 30, 2005 - 3:14 am

    So glad to hear that you are doing better!! Make sure to take care of yourself, you are in my prayers!~ Kimberly

  2. #2 by Jo Ann on April 30, 2005 - 8:39 am

    Kimberly,Mom\’s dog still is not sure what is going on around here so she came to my room early sniffing and I got up sooner than I normally would. When I saw your comment I decided that I would go ahead and reply. If I can I want to stay up today. I actually fell asleep about 11:30 last night, got up around 2:15AM made my post, then went back to sleep until around 4:00AM, went back to bed and rose around 7:30 again. The weird sleeping should settle down in days. I really did have a hard time in the hospital. I am so glad to be home… I hate letting anyone take my authority over myself away. It is not good. Plus for Thursday night I had the roommate from hell. I cannot deal with psych-wards, I am too stubborn and independent.Smiles,Jo Ann

  3. #3 by Stephen on April 30, 2005 - 9:47 am

    JoAnn -Glad to have you back and look forward to your posts! -Stephen

  4. #4 by Kenny on April 30, 2005 - 11:05 am

    So happy to see you are feeling a lil better& doing okay, just wanted you to know that you are thought of fondly & we are all here for each other. Wishing you Sunshine & Smiles Always Kenny

  5. #5 by Jo Ann on April 30, 2005 - 11:46 am

    Stephen, no one knows how happy I am to be home unless they have been held against their will at some point themselves. I will say I had no experience with the kinda bi-polar episode I came through this time. It was very scary for me and really no one except me was able to relate. The reason being I was afraid I would go schizophrenic in that state of mania. I am always trying to manage up until I lose total control and it would not have been pretty to have both things severely go wrong at once. I hope to write some soon, but I am not taxing myself at all right now.Kenny, I thought of all my friends here while I was locked away. Helped me manage some hope even when I felt everything was way wrong for me. I really am glad I have my friends here. I talked about you all on the ward a lot. Some people did not get it, but some began to guess you all are a real support in my life. I may not type a lot today… I am still having some fidgety feelings. I will however be in and out.Smiles,Jo Ann

  6. #6 by Its_Just_Signa on April 30, 2005 - 3:57 pm

    Hey there Jo! I\’m so glad to see that you are back. Keep up the good work of getting better…you\’re a strong woman and I have no doubt you will resume your activities with great joy and fervor. I\’m emailing you something a very old friend of yours emailed to me…..hopefully it will lift your spirits more!

  7. #7 by Mike on April 30, 2005 - 4:36 pm

    Glad to see you are feeling better Jo Ann – I\’m sure you\’ll be back to 100% real soon…

  8. #8 by Barbara on April 30, 2005 - 7:49 pm

    Jo, I have quietly followed your experience as it played out here on spaces. I felt it was better not to comment on what you were going through. Now that you\’re better I just wanted to tell you how my heart has gone out to you the whole time. I\’m glad you\’re back. As a veteran of the "psych-ward", I understand your disdain for the loss of independence. My last stay was 2 months. I thought they would never let me go! Welcome back.

  9. #9 by Kim on April 30, 2005 - 8:43 pm

    JO ANN!!! {{{ }}} I\’m so glad your back and feeling better. Ü You were in my prayers. Will be looking forward to reading your next poem.Kim

  10. #10 by Zen on April 30, 2005 - 9:32 pm

    🙂 x 1000

  11. #11 by Jo Ann on April 30, 2005 - 11:04 pm

    Hey Signa, you all can not imagine how glad I am to be home. If I get up the nerve to do it I am going to give you all a dose of what I wrote thinking of my blog buddies while I was in patient. I am just taking it real easy right now. I know better than any of you may ever fully realize that I was very, very sick when they put me in the hospital. I am not one to go there, and everyone knows it, without I am to the point I am hopeless. I am not such a strong woman… actually I would be likely to describe myself as the very weak sick girl child that Jesus helped in the Bible. I would also tell you that quite likely to my best guess some of my great detractors in life are likely to find that when they get to heaven and Christ asks did you help me when I was in need that they will say oh yes and then my precious Lord will say to them with a gesture of some sort toward me that will indicate just who it was who was begging with tears and in dire circumstance and He will then say then why did you not help this one who was the least of my children. You can not imagine the hate and vitriol that has been thrown at me over the years by some people who have no conception of how deeply they hurt me.I am speaking of no one here and hope no one will misunderstand, but over the years I have been gravely mistreated by people who just really never tried to find out who or what I am. I have a very serious condition and they think me such a joke that they laugh at my expense. They tell me that I am too lazy to work or I would not be on SSDI. It hurts me, because I do have enough pride to want to be a contributing member of society. I do berate myself enough over my own shortcomings that I don\’t need them to demean me further.I cried over this very thing talking to my very sweet and dear mother this evening. She knows a little about this poor messed up child she raised and once in a while I let her know how the callous people who think they are so respectable can harm me when I am vulnerable. Don\’t worry, I develop my own tough skin very quickly, but I came closer than I like to admit this time to having my rights taken from me for a very long time.I will be okay… because I do have friends and because I believe love can conquer anything. I may have a polished veneer sometimes that appears strong, but you all saw something even I was surprised by: You saw me in a manic breakdown. I have never experienced that before. Now I know the Schizo-affective disorder is a true diagnosis and it really scares me. I feel I have two killers stalking me now and God help me should both attack me at once. I think I might make it through either one at a time, but I am afraid I will not survive them both. You would have to have lived through my experience of the worst of both to understand.Sorry, this reply is getting long but I wanted you to know that I do appreciate your thoughts and prayers Signa. Your phone call gave me hope that someone in my world really does care and that meant more than you can imagine.Smiles and Hugs,Jo Ann

  12. #12 by Sarah on April 30, 2005 - 11:53 pm

    Jo, please don\’t ever think that people in this world don\’t care for you. You mean so much to your son, mother, friends on this blog. Stay strong! And don\’t care a thing about what others think. They don\’t have any idea what you are going through and that gives them NO RIGHT to judge you. You don\’t need those kind of people! Take care of yourself!~Sarah

  13. #13 by RHONDA and SCOTT on May 1, 2005 - 12:40 am

    Glad you are back ….Please take care of you and hope all gets better for you…WD

  14. #14 by Jo Ann on May 1, 2005 - 1:41 am

    Mike,I really meant to get your reply in with the reply I made to Signa, but found my running on was too much. Thanks for the encouragement. I was very afraid I would not see you all so soon. I am taking everything slow and easy right now. I think you may have to bear with me being a little off my game for a week or so. This was a very serious thing for me. I still can not quite get what happened. I do know I am on the mend but I will have to be careful for a while. One thing that is worrying me is that my medication is not regulated yet. The doctor tried something new for me and it is not working without some severe side effects. You are very kind to be still hanging in with me and I appreciate it.HonestPrettyPinkMonkey,Excuse me a moment as I admit I do not really know you… I am nevertheless glad to meet you and welcome you to my blog so to speak. Please forgive me if I have been less than cordial to you. It is not my common way of dealing with new visitors. As you seem somewhat informed about what has happened to me, I will just say I wish you could have met me under better circumstances. It is true my friends here, and there are quite a few of them, were very concerned about me. Sounds as if I should be very grateful that you are in that group too. I never thought when I came to this place on January 17, 2005 that I would make some of the best friends in my life. I guess, I am just hoping they still remain my friends now that they know how really sick I can become.I never had a manic breakdown before… I always thought the Schizo-affective disorder might be a mistaken diagnosis. Now I am sure I have quite literally the two most lethal of mental illnesses forged into one of the saddest tags by diagnosis that a person could ever live with. It sounds like by admitting that I may have gone into pity party mode, but really I have not. What I am stating is that I have more against me than most people can imagine, but I still have hope. I just realize that my situation is truthfully more grave than I had ever thought. I refuse to allow anything to take my joy away from me even when I am scared to death. I know death and am not really scared of that specter. What really frightens me is knowing I might become incapable of laughing at death and daring life to do its best to beat me.I am glad you can relate to a little of what I experience or maybe even a lot, but I am very sorry that you had to endure a psych-ward as long as you admitted here. I also hope that you may never have to go back. I know did they ever try to hospitalize me so long that it would take angels to keep me there. I am not a good patient. When you tell me I can not shave my legs everyday I think you are abusing me. If you read around this blog enough you will find I have endured a lot of abuse and you will likely understand that I do not think kindly of anyone who tries to hurt me or diminish my freedoms. I do not have a lot, but I will allow no one to dehumanize me. A person can only take so much brutalization in life without becoming defiant. I am very stubborn and more defiant than most would believe. I had to become that way to survive. It is not pretty, but it is me and I guess it is better to have flaws you can admit and survive than be a young and very dead corpse.Come back often if you like. I think we might swap some interesting stories. I usually try not be so long winded, but I think I am still a little manic. I find I can still talk non-stop now if given the opportunity. I am still trying to figure this mania stuff out because it is new to me. I know myself and my more bizarre traits quite well, but this is puzzling me.Hi Kimberley… Hugs to you too!I am glad you were praying for me. I needed all the prayers I could get. I was very ill. In fact, I think had things just gone a little more wrong that I might never have seen any of you guys and girls here again. I am still trying to pull my act together so bear with me. You may not see a poem for a bit. I am having some difficulty typing still. May be a bit before you see me better. I was in such a bad place that it scared me a lot.Zen,You must be thinking like me, because I am just so glad to see you. I hope you read the message I left on your blog and know I meant that to try to help you feel better. You must know how much I respect your talent and you must realize I admire how you seem to have such a way with words. I think you and Signa are very lucky to have found each other. I doubt that I will ever find someone who could be so involved with me, but I do have some understanding of how special it is because I have come close once or twice. I think it is great when true love happens for anyone.You just be yourself and things will work out for you…Smiles,Jo Ann

  15. #15 by Jo Ann on May 1, 2005 - 10:57 am

    Sarah,I have learned that more people do care for me than I ever imagined, but I know I have some very harsh and toxic critics too. I guess I am just too realistic to look at my life without knowing it in truth. That does not mean I can not see the really great things or that I will allow the naysayers to take the hope and joy from me. I know how blessed I am… I am a true miracle and know it. Unfortunately I do have to listen to some of the people who see me as such a disgrace, but I do know I do not have to believe their own conception of me.I am taking care as best I know how. Welcome to my blog and I am sorry the hospitality has been lacking here lately. Seems some new friends came in while I was incapacitated. I will be okay. I am still trying to get myself back together. I will be fine, thank you for caring for me.Hi WD,Another new face… I must have made some friends while I was really sick and even away. I am glad that I am back to meet you too. I am doing the best I know to take care right now. I should be fine soon, don\’t worry. I am really quite resilient. You may knock me down but I get up and try again. I am somewhat like a Timex watch, Samsonite luggage, or the energizer bunny… I just keep on doing things in spite of all that comes at me.Smiles,Jo Ann

  16. #16 by Stephen on May 1, 2005 - 4:03 pm

    Jo Ann -I have been in the same boat before, held against my will. I can only relate to your situation as though I was reliving it. I\’m glad to see you come out the other side. 🙂 Once comfortable in the surroundings I am able to start to become me again – I\’ve seen more than a few journey\’s into hell. It\’s a tough road, but we are often stronger than we think we are. Your courage and strength should be noted and respected. Welcome home! :)Hugs,Stephen

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