Blogging From Behind Locked Doors

I will try to give you a glimpse into my mind while I was away from here. I was by the time I made the first entry you will read locked on a secure ward in a behavioral health facility. I do not like such places and avoid them assiduously. These entries are penned by hand on my own paper I had brought into my possession. I am almost always lucid even when freaked out of my mind. So here you have a idea of how I really see myself and a mental ward.

 

April 23, 2005

 

You may recall my last entry on the blog said bye. At my own best estimation things were getting worse slowly again and I had no idea how bad they might go in anger. The confusion had more manic qualities than I had ever experienced. I was by early hours this morning quite aware I might become capable of unintentionally hurting myself or another person. At any point my more paranoid schizophrenia broke out in the mania I was really dangerous. I was grateful to have hospital security on hand and be locked into my room in emergency area as I waited all night to see any doctor.

 

April 24, 2005

 

I did move into the facility I am now in yesterday around 5:00AM, most of the day I was awake. When I slept a while last evening it was the first sleep since 10:30AM on April 22. Late evening yesterday I finally saw my psychiatrist. God, I think could see we were both pissed. He was not pleased. I truly believe the office will be reorganized immediately.

 

This is one of the best places of its type in our area. I am receiving excellent care insofar as is necessary. Really staff can already see I’m better. I am glad to say I should be out soon.

 

I miss you guys on my blog so much. I am chilling enough to let myself do here by hand updates you will later be able to read. I miss being home and know Alex is sick. This is not the best of times for me to be away.

 

You all just really cannot realize how I miss my blog and all of you. That is one of the many worse things about this time. I wanted to avoid this any way I could. If I could just have seen my doctor or even talked to him I think much distress may have been avoided. He still has me on Geodon, but has prescribed Depakote instead of Zoloft. After a good sleep last night I feel much like myself.

 

Me and several others had staff open up a conference room and I am so glad I asked, because a few of us are sitting around doing things at the table each kinda together, but at the same time occupied our own way. The radio is running in the background. Being in-patient like much of my life otherwise can always be improved by my own best use of things and often as you all know I tend to be an instigator in a good kind of way. Now others are joining us as staff finds out what I started. I gotta say I am not so bad myself and really would work so giftedly in the mental-health field as an art therapist given a chance. I started all this and now nine of us and two nurses are gathered here.

 

Even here which is never where I like to be, I am so aware that things should always be looked at as miracles. I have seen it get to the point where dying would have been welcome and it never came near this time.

 

Up until now I had a room alone, but now have a roommate. Not my favorite thing about psych-wards. I will now be very glad to go home pronto. I do not like sharing space in reality with strangers. Especially where I sleep. Too much I cannot observe. This in all fairness has nothing to do with another person. I am not one to like anyone in a room overnight. I must know people.

 

Spoke to Dr. Klopper this evening. He says maybe tomorrow or Tuesday, I will leave here. That seems pretty good to me. Leigh came and brought stuff for me. My CD player and such. I still have to check it out, but that is okay. I love the music. I am listening to Dreamcatcher by Secret Garden. It is wonderful music to me. When you often hear of me listening to something soothing while sitting blogging it is some sort the same type sound.

 

I have taken a few short naps and woke up when made to do so a while ago by staff. I took a shower and it is now 11:30PM. I really intend to go to bed again soon.

 

~ That is the best of what I wrote while they held me prisoner. I became so belligerent when they would not let me out and the pen was making my hand so sore I do not think you would really appreciate much of the following entries in my paper journal notes. I do know I hate to be lied to about my release and have a great deal of enmity for anyone who robs me of what scant freedoms I enjoy. ~

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by The Spacefart Astronaut on May 2, 2005 - 12:14 am

    Welcome back Sweet JoAnn… But, honey do not … I repeat… do not ever apologize to us for what happened to you. It is not your fault that you have this problem. If I can be honest with you, you did not disappoint me, in fact, it only made me feel sad for you, and I was hurting for you, because I have a mother who had been in a similar situation, and my brother. I would never look down at you, or think any less of you. I see you as a wonderful sweet woman, and just what happened recently doesn\’t change a thing about how I feel about you. In fact, I am thankful that you are alright now, and I pray that you will get well soon, hopefully that you will continue to work on getting better, slowly, but surely. It takes time, it doesn\’t happen overnight. You are in my prayers. Honey, remember, please do not feel that you owe anybody for not keeping up with your space, after all it is your own personal journal thing. Do this blog for yourself as a therapy, not to entertain us people. : ) I am sorry, I have not been feeling well a lot lately these past almost two weeks. Thanks so much for stopping my space, and leave me a comment. It made me smile to know that you are with us now. It was a very nice surprise… @>– for you Sweet JoAnn. Love,Sassene**smiles**

  2. #2 by Dale on May 2, 2005 - 12:30 am

    I was away for a bit and when I looked in on you, you were already in the hospital. I am so glad that you are OK abain. Stay with the meds…it took me over 15 years to get the right one and in the right dose. I have only been where you have been in your mind and body once. None of us in the family want to experience that ever again. I am so much more stable no than I have ever been. You will get there too.Talk to you again soon!Dale

  3. #3 by Barb on May 2, 2005 - 1:36 am

    Yes Welcome back Sweet JoAnn,Although we have not met I was very aware of your last tail spin.. I am so delighted to hear that you are trying new medication, sadly it takes a great deal of trial and error before finding the right combination that is just right for you. I appreciate that the manic can be very frightening however I haven\’t heard you mention an overwhelming depression either so I would think that too has merit when it comes to medication.After reading the comments from Dale and Sassene, may I be the third person to say ..You have absolutely nothing to apologize for TO ANYONE, EVER!! If only people who make ridiculous innuendos realized how difficult it is to find the right combination of medication for wellness, and how trying it must be for you they might rethink their comments.How wonderful for you that you have Alex, I am amazed that this young man is only sixteen as he is wise beyond his years, and obviously loves you very much.I think you are an amazing indepth lady and I must comment on the lovely piece you wrote "Belief in Love". Continued success and good health. Please stop by anytime it would be a pleasure.Cheers,Baarb

  4. #4 by Natalie on May 2, 2005 - 3:27 am

    I dont much else to say that hasnt been said, and without knowing you i feel like it isnt my place to say anything other than i hope you get adjusted and find that place in life wether with or without meds with or without help and be well.

  5. #5 by Zen on May 2, 2005 - 9:31 am

    Hi.

  6. #6 by L on May 2, 2005 - 12:58 pm

    It\’s great to have you back!

  7. #7 by barbara on May 2, 2005 - 3:37 pm

    You are a fantastic woman! To have such a LUST for LIFE as you do! Every thing you have written has fire and sensitivity in it. Even in the darkest moments your words were filled with passion. I have to thank those that got you the help you needed so quickly. I know you do not wish your independence to be restricted but I am SO glad you received help to calm your racing mind. I don\’t know if this is good to say but, well I will say it anyway. I have found that only the most gifted and talented of artists will suffer as you have. Your genius must be contained your spiritual/mental talent, leaping over your physical restrictions. Your mind moves faster than your physical brain can understand and process it all. Now if all goes well with treatments and the chemicals can be made right for you, life will be GOOD.And, selfishly, I will get to read more of your works!Oh, and your new colors here, sea green, shows your new lightness of being.

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