I feel like changing my theme around right now because I just am not settled enough to stop being fidgety. I am unable to take care of the financial details in my life right now because the money is not appearing when and where it should in a timely manner. Right now I must avoid stress over a lot of issues which are crazy-making even on the best of days.
I am looking at a very long term recovery right now. Only by a month out will I be able to resume some of my normal activities and to be at the level where I am highly competent will be six months out. I just know this by my own experience. When Dr. Klopper told me last night that he can not cut my medicine because I had a serious psychotic episode, I knew this was quite likely one of the most devastating things I have lived through.
I have been doing some soul searching and have come to some conclusions I would normally keep to myself, but this blog is therapy for me first and foremost. Anyone is welcome to read me anytime, but I do not censor myself here. What I say comes from my heart and soul. I love the friends I have made through this highly personal form of communication I engage in here. I realize that I will not always see things the same way as everyone, but here I come to just write for me.
I have been thinking about my view of my own Christianity and I am not even sure I can be classed as a Christian anymore. That has always been a basic premise of my life, I never failed to describe myself as a Christian. I love so many of the good things that I have learned from many world faith traditions and have a lot of views that find parallels elsewhere. I have read and studied the holy texts of many faiths and I have sat at the knees of some of the greatest teachers through reading widely. Some who feel judgmental in my own faith would now call me heathen and hell-bound. I honestly find it does not scare me so much anymore. Hell can not in all its fury, I think, be much worse than some parts of my life.
There are things that some Christians now continue to hold so dear as the basis of their total system of belief that I can no longer accept without question. I tend to have a mind that is never satisfied with the answer, that is just the way it is, so accept it and move along. I analyze things and tear them apart until I can rebuild them in a way that makes some modicum of sense to my twisted and intellectual brain. I must know why, to many a persons chagrin I have always been that way. Alex happens to be very like me in this.
Anyway, I do not any longer believe that the Holy Bible is infallible in the forms it has been passed down to us. I believe it is a guideline and to be interpreted by individuals with assistance from the Holy Spirit. I believe anyone who uses it to harass another person is using the scripture as an authority to cause abuse which would never be the intention of what I believe a manifest loving God.
I no longer believe that Christians have a wholesale right to believe that the Holy Spirit only regards them as worthy of His Providence. I believe all of us are part of the divine. I do not believe any person lives this life alone. We are all precious to the totality that surrounds each of us. I believe none of us is a stranger to Love. I think any person who tries to treat each other met in life with love and respect is living and manifesting the divinity of God.
I can not believe that a loving God would not allow such creatures as the dog who is part of my daily life an entrance to the holy city of Heaven. I definitely should not be allowed there if she in all her goodness is outcast. Some Christians who I dearly love believe because of an obscure passage in the Bible that no dogs will darken the gates of Heaven. I believe they will be present even if they should show up in their human form. I know this dog who lives in my home is a saint, I don’t doubt she knows God better than I do.
I really am bizarre in that I believe any creature in all creation can be converted to knowledge of God in whatever form we are willing to teach to them. I do believe that all things that live and breathe do so with an innate knowledge of the divine. I can not at this point think where in the Bible I have derived my faith in this statement and am not really up to going on a search for it. The thought runs along the lines that it says somewhere: Go and teach and preach the gospel to every creature. If my God had meant only mankind could recognize His goodness I think he would not left the ambiguity for my mind in its fallibleness to mistake His meaning.
I know that probably I am certifiably insane, but as long as I can think it will be a puzzle to me why all of us can not admit that we do not know everything and have so much in common that we should try never to harm one another.
Just where I dwell sometimes, like today. Maybe I should be back in the hospital, but I think I have learned a thing or two along this journey of mine called life.