Musings on Who or What I Am…

I feel like changing my theme around right now because I just am not settled enough to stop being fidgety. I am unable to take care of the financial details in my life right now because the money is not appearing when and where it should in a timely manner. Right now I must avoid stress over a lot of issues which are crazy-making even on the best of days.

 

I am looking at a very long term recovery right now. Only by a month out will I be able to resume some of my normal activities and to be at the level where I am highly competent will be six months out. I just  know this by my own experience. When Dr. Klopper told me last night that he can not cut my medicine because I had a serious psychotic episode, I knew this was quite likely one of the most devastating things I have lived through.

 

I have been doing some soul searching and have come to some conclusions I would normally keep to myself, but this blog is therapy for me first and foremost. Anyone is welcome to read me anytime, but I do not censor myself here. What I say comes from my heart and soul. I love the friends I have made through this highly personal form of communication I engage in here. I realize that I will not always see things the same way as everyone, but here I come to just write for me.

 

I have been thinking about my view of my own Christianity and I am not even sure I can be classed as a Christian anymore. That has always been a basic premise of my life, I never failed to describe myself as a Christian. I love so many of the good things that I have learned from many world faith traditions and have a lot of views that find parallels elsewhere. I have read and studied the holy texts of many faiths and I have sat at the knees of some of the greatest teachers through reading widely. Some who feel judgmental in my own faith would now call me heathen and hell-bound. I honestly find it does not scare me so much anymore. Hell can not in all its fury, I think, be much worse than some parts of my life.

 

There are things that some Christians now continue to hold so dear as the basis of their total system of belief that I can no longer accept without question. I tend to have a mind that is never satisfied with the answer, that is just the way it is, so accept it and move along. I analyze things and tear them apart until I can rebuild them in a way that makes some modicum of sense to my twisted and intellectual brain. I must know why, to many a persons chagrin I have always been that way. Alex happens to be very like me in this.

 

Anyway, I do not any longer believe that the Holy Bible is infallible in the forms it has been passed down to us. I believe it is a guideline and to be interpreted by individuals with assistance from the Holy Spirit. I believe anyone who uses it to harass another person is using the scripture as an authority to cause abuse which would never be the intention of what I believe a manifest loving God.

 

I no longer believe that Christians have a wholesale right to believe that the Holy Spirit only regards them as worthy of His Providence. I believe all of us are part of the divine. I do not believe any person lives this life alone. We are all precious to the totality that surrounds each of us. I believe none of us is a stranger to Love. I think any person who tries to treat each other met in life with love and respect is living and manifesting the divinity of God.

 

I can not believe that a loving God would not allow such creatures as the dog who is part of my daily life an entrance to the holy city of Heaven. I definitely should not be allowed there if she in all her goodness is outcast. Some Christians who I dearly love believe because of an obscure passage in the Bible that no dogs will darken the gates of Heaven. I believe they will be present even if they should show up in their human form. I know this dog who lives in my home is a saint, I don’t doubt she knows God better than I do.

 

I really am bizarre in that I believe any creature in all creation can be converted to knowledge of God in whatever form we are willing to teach to them. I do believe that all things that live and breathe do so with an innate knowledge of the divine. I can not at this point think where in the Bible I have derived my faith in this statement and am not really up to going on a search for it. The thought runs along the lines that it says somewhere: Go and teach and preach the gospel to every creature. If my God had meant only mankind could recognize His goodness I think he would not left the ambiguity for my mind in its fallibleness to mistake His meaning.

 

I know that probably I am certifiably insane, but as long as I can think it will be a puzzle to me why all of us can not admit that we do not know everything and have so much in common that we should try never to harm one another.

 

Just where I dwell sometimes, like today. Maybe I should be back in the hospital, but I think I have learned a thing or two along this journey of mine called life.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by Sarah on May 2, 2005 - 6:26 pm

    I agree with much of what you said. I still believe myself to be a Christian and more specifically Catholic. But there are some things that I have questions with. And your point about the Bible is one of those. The Bible is written from many people\’s point of view and everyone interprets it differently. It should be used as a guideline for our belief\’s but maybe not word-for-word. And I hope more than anything that there are pets in heaven. Anything that gives me so much joy here on earth, I pray, is there for me in heaven!

  2. #2 by Unknown on May 2, 2005 - 10:59 pm

    Hi Jo Ann,As long as you are questioning and searching you are quite sane. I believe that a greater spirit is in everyone and everything. Keep your quest up and always dare to ask the hardest questions.Rock

  3. #3 by The Spacefart Astronaut on May 3, 2005 - 3:00 am

    Hi Joann,There is no such a thing as a perfect christian. We are all God\’s children that I am certain, and he loves us all the same, no question about that. Anyone who claims to be better than us are nothing but a "hypocrite". I do not believe that there are such a thing as "worthy", it is people who make us feel that we are not worthy of something. With God, it is very different, he loves us all regardless of anything, and never stop loving us even when we stray away from him. It is for us to seek Him. Do what you truly believe in , Joann, follow your own heart. In God\’s eye, you are already perfect. About my blog, I wanted to do something for you, because I do care about you, and I will continue to keep you, and your family in prayers. Do not worry so much about what others think of you. If they cannot love you, and accept you for who you are, it is their loss, not yours, ok? Take good care of yourself, sweet Joann.Love,Sassene

  4. #4 by Cheryl on May 3, 2005 - 3:23 am

    All dogs go to heaven……that I believe.

  5. #5 by barbara on May 3, 2005 - 4:11 am

    It is a bit frightening to encounter someone who is one of the intolerant Christians that seem to be around today. In all fairness though, I think there are many good and understanding believers of the Christian faith who practice more of what is in the Book than those who simply preach it.I would say that you, Jo, are a better Christian than most who call themselves Christian. You at least question and search for what it all means. Rock said it best.

  6. #6 by Goodbyefranko on May 3, 2005 - 4:26 am

    jo – i dont know you, im too new, however i rather followed your ordeal thru the concerns of others and am glad to see you back. as for your quest, here is my two cents: if you want some honest answers to some hard questions, i would recommend no one higher to ask an opinion of then haggios @ http://spaces.msn.com/members/cafetheologia/see you around, kidmjm

  7. #7 by Reeking Havoc's Lair on May 3, 2005 - 5:50 am

    Hi, JoAnn! I was away for a few days…or maybe a week…maybe two…playing Guild Wars.I\’m glad you\’re back, looks like the episode you had is fading away! Stick with the doctor\’s instructions faithfully and your recovery will continue… Speaking of faith, like you, I just don\’t believe some of the things that are the marks of being Christian. These may be different than the things that distinguish you from the Christians you know. Hell is one of the things that do not make sense to me. If we are God\’s children, then sending some of the children to hell is child abuse! Punishments are supposed to teach, not destroy a child or go continue into infinity.

  8. #8 by Kim on May 3, 2005 - 8:03 am

    Hi Jo Ann. I am a bit afraid of the family talk but I will have God by my side.You are a seeker of truth. Thats what Jesus was. I think you would find reading God, Creation, and the Tools for Life by Sylvia Browne much to your liking and a bit refreshing. My thoughts of Christianity, God, Hell, and the likes are similar to what your feeling right now. Ms. Browne puts all this into prospective and you sit there going – "Yeah, thats what I think!" and "Hey! I was right! Thats how I thought it was!" Life and people became much easier to deal with after I read this.Do you remember the song Talk to the Animals? I belive this is how it is in Heaven. Our pets are the first ones to greet us when we get home to the Other Side.And as for your brother calling you all those degrating names – remember – you weren\’t any of those things before he called you them therefore you aren\’t any of those things now.Glad you\’re back!Sending blessings and extra angels your way today.

  9. #9 by cindy on May 3, 2005 - 2:54 pm

    Hi Jo Ann…This is my first visit to your space, and I can see that you\’re a caring and sensitive person. Nice to meet you. So much of what I read here touches me deeply. I, too, have redefined my version of "Christianity" over the past few years…the traditional, judgmental type just doesn\’t fit my belief system anymore. I\’m having a hard time writing this note because my computer is acting up…but I hope you\’ll drop by my space sometime…and I\’ll be back soon.

  10. #10 by The Spacefart Astronaut on May 3, 2005 - 5:28 pm

    Just dropping by to say hi, and to let ya know that you are in my thoughts, and prayers. HUGS,Sassene

  11. #11 by Its_Just_Signa on May 3, 2005 - 8:12 pm

    Hi Jo,So good to have you back and writing again. I have to agree with KauRock, as long as you are thinking and questioning and reasoning, you are quite sane. I\’m glad to see that you are maintaining a healthy perspective on everything you are going through.

  12. #12 by Sarah on May 4, 2005 - 9:14 am

    I rejected religion years ago as a false thing created by man to understand themselves. However, I do think religions do help teach morals, and this isn\’t just confined to Christianity.There\’s just one law in my opinion Treat Others How you Would Like Them To Treat You.Sub laws being – Tread lightly on the earth it\’s not just your home.

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