Negativity… Times Ten

I am so angry and disappointed that all I feel is rage and I really do not even want to continue with life if it must be so unfair to me all the time. I know I can not kill myself, because God himself will not allow it to happen for me, but that does not stop my wishing I could finally escape such an existence. I know this is not how I should nor am expected to feel, but I am so tired of always trying to be something so exhausting as my own trials with being positive as an individual is to my personality. Dying would be a release and hopefully then I could rest without being perpetually under fire for who, what, how, why I am and the choices I have made.

 

I am not suicidal, I just have not the energy for all the expenditure I must make to survive. I really feel like giving up all hope. I have been here before and really never depart very far. Life seems so hopeless. I never achieve anything. I probably should wait until I can write something better, but this will go away no time soon.

 

I hate feeling this way, but that only makes it feel more concrete. It is not something I expect to fade, in fact, I expect it to become more solid and stronger. My experience reinforces it daily. All I know to do to spare everyone hearing about this dismal dungeon I visit is stop writing. I think the blog was never meant to be somewhere I had to hide myself.

 

Sighs,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by Barb on May 9, 2005 - 2:52 am

    Jo Ann,I can hear how difficult things seem, but don\’t give up hope as you know it takes timeto adjust meds. Each time I come to your sight I find more interesting writing.I really admire your talent, I wish I could write poetry.You are very amazing, and so honest as to your life .. I admire that.Well finally I hear my pillow calling, going to try a get some sleep before I get another second wind:)Have a Great Day,Cheers,Barb

  2. #2 by Darren on May 9, 2005 - 4:53 am

    You have a talent for writing and I for one am glad that you choose to share it with us through this blog. Hopefully whatever it is that is pulling you down at the moment will pass over quickly and you will feel better about yourself soon. Hope you don\’t get down enough to stop writing on here as you will be sorely missed. Stay focussed and above all else stay happy.Nytecrawler

  3. #3 by barbara on May 9, 2005 - 4:55 am

    Please don\’t succumb to the darkness. You see how many people come to visit and admire your talents here? I love your art in both your photos and drawings. I had always found changing the scenery that surrounded me lifted my spirits somewhat even if it didn\’t solve my troubles. I would go out and pick wild flowers, bunches of them, then arranged them in bowls, baskets or whatever I had to hold them and put them in all the rooms. This changed my mood enough for a few hours to lift me out of my darkness, if only for a little while. You have such compassion for others, I see this in your comments left on other Spaces, perhaps you should be a volunteer in a nursing home or clinic. Maybe you could teach creative writing to some who are in darker places than you. Please, reach for the light.

  4. #4 by not such crazy on May 9, 2005 - 5:13 am

    I read your blogg… I know these feelings very well cause these are also my feelings time to time…what to say…I dont want to give you all these banal advices ..for positive thinking ,tray to bee happy etc…for two reasons:1-I think you know them perfect by yourself2-if you are wery deep under the water they doesnot helps anymoore…only one thing I know for sure…. and I think you know it too ..is that fact that nothing lasts forever..so there is hope that this stage where you are now be over soon…anyway ….HAPPY MOTHERS DAY Jo Ann 🙂

  5. #5 by Kenny on May 9, 2005 - 6:52 am

    Each of us was born with wings and has the ability to go farther than we ever thought possible, to do things beyond our wildest imaginings although sometimes we lack the inspiration. Hold onto hope, the answer is not far away. I\’ve found that often, just when you think you\’ve hit a wall a new door is opened to us, but it\’s not always obvious, you have to find yourself first.Have you ever looked up into the night sky at all the stars & moon so bright? ..what if the stars are actually looking at you, wondering how you got to have a life. The freedom to do as you wish, the ability to create, to make a friend & comfort a loved one, to sing or dance in your own way, or just bask in the sunshine, to live each day & make it count.Smell the rain, feel the breeze, listen to the wind, use all your senses to their fullestCherish all your todays & see the beauty in all things & the sunshine in all your tomorrowsSpread those wings & know that you are very much a part of everything around you. Observe the trees, the birds, the exquisite flowers & beautiful people…each one of us..all part of a plan that makes this earth the beautiful place it isSmile & be happy…I know you wont be down for long !Watching you with admiration Kenny

  6. #6 by The Spacefart Astronaut on May 9, 2005 - 8:04 am

    Sweet Joann,Please hang in there. I know it seems like it will never end. I feel that way too myself sometimes. But be rest assured that all of us have our darkest moments, do not think that you are alone. Think happy and positive thoughts, honey. My prayers are with you. May God be with you always.Love,Sassene@>– for you… sending angels your way…. ❤

  7. #7 by Kim on May 9, 2005 - 9:19 am

    Yes, Jo Ann, I survived. And so shall we all. {{ }} I\’m saddened by your feelings of dispair. Your heart is so very grand and you\’ve always extended your support to me. For that I am returning it in your time of darkness – you are loved, you are adored, you are special, you are devoted, you are amazing, you are talented, you are needed, you are caring, you are understanding… YOU are YOU and thats why we all keep coming back here. {{ }}Thank you for finding me on here. You and Barbie are greatly appreciated! You\’ve supported me, "listened" to me, and showed your understanding for my family situations. I need(ed) that! My thoughts and prayers are with you and again I\’ve asked for extra angels to stand by your side today.

  8. #8 by Stephen on May 9, 2005 - 11:19 am

    Jo Ann -I hope this cloud that has been lingering over you would lift. You\’ve been through quite an ordeal in the past weeks and it\’s just compounding feelings you already have. Try not to let yourself fall prey to the hell that is inside yourself and all of us. You should try cutting yourself a break and not expect so much of yourself in the way you feel. Your feelings are genuine, honest and true – your a very talented writer. I hope that you could see all the good.Warmly,Stephen

  9. #9 by Sarah on May 9, 2005 - 8:07 pm

    Jo Ann,You can see how much you are admired by all of the people that comment. And I am sure there are many many more that don\’t leave a message. I have felt some of the feelings that you are feeling. They do pass. They DO. Just try to focus on all of the positives in your life. Your son! His accomplishments and dreams. One of my doctors told me that when I was feeling down I should volunteer somewhere that I would enjoy. Not only to be helping others but to make friends and give back to those around me. None of us have much "extra" time these days but maybe volunteering could help you. Please remember there are many many people that care about you. Your saddness WILL pass….~Sarah

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