I am so angry and disappointed that all I feel is rage and I really do not even want to continue with life if it must be so unfair to me all the time. I know I can not kill myself, because God himself will not allow it to happen for me, but that does not stop my wishing I could finally escape such an existence. I know this is not how I should nor am expected to feel, but I am so tired of always trying to be something so exhausting as my own trials with being positive as an individual is to my personality. Dying would be a release and hopefully then I could rest without being perpetually under fire for who, what, how, why I am and the choices I have made.
I am not suicidal, I just have not the energy for all the expenditure I must make to survive. I really feel like giving up all hope. I have been here before and really never depart very far. Life seems so hopeless. I never achieve anything. I probably should wait until I can write something better, but this will go away no time soon.
I hate feeling this way, but that only makes it feel more concrete. It is not something I expect to fade, in fact, I expect it to become more solid and stronger. My experience reinforces it daily. All I know to do to spare everyone hearing about this dismal dungeon I visit is stop writing. I think the blog was never meant to be somewhere I had to hide myself.