Different Day…

I really do not feel much better than yesterday. There are so many problems that are besetting me right now. My financial situation is so dismal I do not think there is any way I can sort it out. I have so overextended myself that it would take major action beyond my limited means to sort it all out. I went so far as to ask Alex’s father to help me because he has done only minimal support for Alex for so many years and he so reacted that I felt like I must be an imbecile to even ask. I know I have put my ass on the line, but I really thought I could somehow provide a better life for us. Now I know my health will not support me at this time.

 

I really wish that someone hugely wealthy who helps out people who live with dire tragedy like my life has been since I can remember knew about my son and I. Sometimes I think the only reason no one helps us is because they really are not aware of us. I guess maybe there are stories that are lots worse, but I know being me and being my son is harder than most would ever dream.

 

Today, I just keep crying… I cried at the bank where I had to clear up all the overdrafts on my accounts that I made while I was manic… I cried at SAM’s club where I had to pay the huge sum of bounced checks that I would have never done had I been in control. I cried when I was in session with my counselor because I am so afraid she might not want to be my counselor anymore or that she might leave. She does not even get paid to see me and I know that is not fair to her because she is really good and I should not take up time for which she should be reimbursed. The nurse came in to see me and sat with me today and I cried again. We talked about how badly I feel because I do not contribute to society by having a job and doing what I should for my son. My doctor got a dose of tears too… seems he at least thought I was a little better anyway. He is going to see me next week for free because my Medicare will not pay for more than one session a month.

 

I come here and all I can do is cry. I just hurt so bad. There is so much I want to do and be, but I just am so weak. The tears are not really a pity party, they are more about grief and hurt. I do try in the ways I know how so hard to achieve something and it seems so little when measured out against what I actually accomplish.

 

I tried to accept responsibility for my life today. That was not easy after such total disregard for all I hold dear, but I managed to come out feeling a little better.

 

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day… I hope so… Thanks for reading. Your comments, prayers and encouragement help me every time I read.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by Darlene on May 9, 2005 - 10:52 pm

    Jo Ann… you will get thru this. You have before and will again. The biggest step is acceptance and taking ownership. Please continue to stay strong.Dar

  2. #2 by barbara on May 10, 2005 - 5:08 am

    I wish I could reach out and take your hand. What you wrote, about taking care of these things, it shows you are a very responsible person. You have strength in you. I have seen it here.I send out mental hugs to you from across the miles.

  3. #3 by Kenny on May 10, 2005 - 7:33 am

    This storm will pass, believe meFond RegardsKenny

  4. #4 by Stephen on May 10, 2005 - 9:22 am

    Jo Ann -It these rough spots in the roads that make us stronger. You\’re stronger than you realize and in touch with what you\’re feeling more than most people I know. The feelings are honest and true and at the very least, it\’s helpful to you that you\’re expressing them. I too have done some pretty bad things when manic. We can\’t change our past, but we have some degree of control over our future. I believe you\’ve been the best person you can at any given time – you nor anyone is perfect. Try giving yourself a break, you deserve it!Warmly,Stephen

  5. #5 by Kim on May 10, 2005 - 1:31 pm

    I hope today is a better day for you. Sending prayer\’s your way. You accomplished many things yesterday. How does a hot, realxing bath with your favorite chocolate, candles and soft music sound? Give yourself a treat knowing what a great person you are.

  6. #6 by Zen on May 10, 2005 - 1:35 pm

    Yup, it sucks some days. Maybe you should simplify. Read Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz. It may spark something. I\’m sure it will speak to you.

  7. #7 by Christina on May 10, 2005 - 4:49 pm

    When things go wrong as they sometimes will,when the road you\’re trudgingseems all uphill,when the funds are low,and the debts are high,and you want to smile,but you have to sigh,when care is pressing you down a bit…rest if you must-but don\’t you quit.Success is failure turned inside out,the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,And you never can tell how close you are,it may be near when it seems afar,so stick to the fightwhen you\’re hardest hit…it\’s when things go wrong that you mustn\’t quit.Jo-This was given to me a few years ago during a dark time of my life. I keep this saying on a hanging in my computer room where I read it frequently. I hope it gives you the encouragement it gives me.Christina ( aka cherrio100)

  8. #8 by John on May 10, 2005 - 6:48 pm

    Stay the course, Jo Ann… you will get through this. Take each day as it comes and don\’t give up hope.Hugs!!!!

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