I really do not feel much better than yesterday. There are so many problems that are besetting me right now. My financial situation is so dismal I do not think there is any way I can sort it out. I have so overextended myself that it would take major action beyond my limited means to sort it all out. I went so far as to ask Alex’s father to help me because he has done only minimal support for Alex for so many years and he so reacted that I felt like I must be an imbecile to even ask. I know I have put my ass on the line, but I really thought I could somehow provide a better life for us. Now I know my health will not support me at this time.
I really wish that someone hugely wealthy who helps out people who live with dire tragedy like my life has been since I can remember knew about my son and I. Sometimes I think the only reason no one helps us is because they really are not aware of us. I guess maybe there are stories that are lots worse, but I know being me and being my son is harder than most would ever dream.
Today, I just keep crying… I cried at the bank where I had to clear up all the overdrafts on my accounts that I made while I was manic… I cried at SAM’s club where I had to pay the huge sum of bounced checks that I would have never done had I been in control. I cried when I was in session with my counselor because I am so afraid she might not want to be my counselor anymore or that she might leave. She does not even get paid to see me and I know that is not fair to her because she is really good and I should not take up time for which she should be reimbursed. The nurse came in to see me and sat with me today and I cried again. We talked about how badly I feel because I do not contribute to society by having a job and doing what I should for my son. My doctor got a dose of tears too… seems he at least thought I was a little better anyway. He is going to see me next week for free because my Medicare will not pay for more than one session a month.
I come here and all I can do is cry. I just hurt so bad. There is so much I want to do and be, but I just am so weak. The tears are not really a pity party, they are more about grief and hurt. I do try in the ways I know how so hard to achieve something and it seems so little when measured out against what I actually accomplish.
I tried to accept responsibility for my life today. That was not easy after such total disregard for all I hold dear, but I managed to come out feeling a little better.
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day… I hope so… Thanks for reading. Your comments, prayers and encouragement help me every time I read.