Two Poems From The Whirlwind

At least I have not cried all through this day. I guess it is too much to hope that Oprah or Dr. Phil might hear about our plight and care enough to help though some of the stories both have taken an interest in through the years are really no more desperate or complicated than ours in truth.

 

Things still look like they are going to swallow me up, but I did manage to take Mom to her doctor today. She had a pretty bad small stroke this morning before we left the house. It immobilized her left arm and I had to help her gently work it back to motion. I know enough to try to work limbs out so that they do not begin to atrophy. When I mentioned it to the doctor he said it was probably a TIA and that I did the right thing. Both my mother’s nurse and her neurologist were very concerned when they learned that I had been hospitalized. I am so integral to her care that they worry what would happen if I can not function.

 

We ate lunch at Dairy Queen because when we went into Taco Bell they told us that they had no diet soda in the store. I decided that did not bode well and made the decision to leave. Any manager who will let the fountain run out of diet drinks probably does not keep the rest of the store in good running order either. Could have been a momentary lapse, but I did not need extra stress on account of poor service today. The foot long hot dog I had at Dairy Queen was very good. I had not eaten there in a very long time. Mom seemed to enjoy eating there too.

 

I helped Mom pick out a personal tape player at Best Buy today so she can listen to the tapes that the church brings for her without my having to hear them too. She has no idea how to work the thing so it is a project I must be involved in for her to listen, but I am used to helping her with almost everything anyway.

 

We stopped for groceries and I blew a $100 and got almost nothing. I wish I could just stop eating…

 

I have to go tomorrow to see about an intensive aftercare program, but I do not see how I can be involved as I must somehow find a job. I kinda doubt anyone will hire me… no one has wanted to do so since 1993, but I must try something. I know really that I am too sick to work right now, but life intervenes and I will try. Maybe someone will have enough heart to take in someone as needy as me now.

 

The side effects from my medication are still terrible. I have not reacted to anything so badly in many years, I hate what the Depakote is doing to me. I have gained all the weight I had lost back in the short time I have been on it and I am not eating enough to warrant the massive change. I do what I call the medication two step because it is almost impossible to stand still anywhere. I hate it when I am so apparently off myself, anyone who sees me can discern something is wrong with me. I can hardly sit still because I am fidgety. Within minutes of dosing in the evening my speech is badly slurred and I begin to drool. I hate such detrimental side effects.

 

I feel really terrible now and very hopeless, but I am trying to move forward anyway.

 

Sometimes – An Ode to My Inadequacy

 

Sometimes when I ponder

How stupid I can be, my facility

At choosing such inane possibilities

Makes me wonder how any human

Worth the name could live so clueless

An existence as is apparently mine.

 

My ingenuity at foolishness evades

The ability of my mind to comprehend

Why I would even consider that I

Could achieve a modicum of success

When I am so gifted at causing such

Huge amounts of complete confusion.

 

I can take a benign situation

Insinuate myself into it and then

Suddenly complicate the whole

So that the circumstances go so out

Of rational realm of control

That no one can rectify the havoc I reek.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

 

Mmm… guess I could still write were I of the mood to try, but that is about as useless as anything else I ever have an inclination to do. I have been made well aware for many years what a hopeless pursuit that is for me along with my art. It does not make it feel any less valuable to me when I need it, but it does nothing to pay the bills. I suppose that is why so many criticize me for the value I place on writing and art.

 

I Wish

 

Were I to have a voice

That truly influenced

The world as it is known

Particularly to me – somehow

I would wipe away the tears

So many faces hide in shadows

And make smiles brighten the deep

Darkness that dogs so many a life.

 

I would find a way to delight

Those who need just a moment

Of celebration to change a dismal day

And bring forth the hope to face the pallor

That infects their dissatisfactory lives

I would tempt them to play again

Even though the risks seem so great

They almost desert the whole of the game.

 

I would create a dream

Worthy enough to follow

And sell it for a reasonable price

That no one would find themselves

Unable to afford – and we all working

Together would change the world

Into a dream where peace and prosperity

Could forever live and abide.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

 

Hurts to be a dreamer… I finally did manage to make myself cry. Maybe such poetry as that last is too much for such a broken and hopeless heart as mine today.

 

Sniffles,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by Kenny on May 10, 2005 - 6:59 pm

    Life can be overwhelming at times, it won\’t always be this way.You will not be tested beyond your limits. You have come this far & it can only get better JoAnn. Even just reading what you have written shows an improvement in you. Soon you will be better equipped to handle things as they come to you. " Chin up girl… We\’re with ya on this! "SMILES :)Kenny

  2. #2 by Stephen on May 10, 2005 - 8:08 pm

    Jo Ann -So sorry to hear about your Mom. Strokes are terrible, no matter how bad they are. With regard to the Depakote, I don\’t have the problems you\’re having and I take 2,500 mg daily. Perhaps they can adjust your meds to better allow you a more normal way of functioning. Everyone\’s different when it comes to meds – what works well for me may not be the same on someone else, so I understand that aspect. I think your writing helps you stay sane in an insane world. It\’s a great outlet for your thoughts – so keep up the great work, you\’re really quite talented!-Stephen

  3. #3 by Amy on May 10, 2005 - 11:14 pm

    Jo Ann,I\’m sorry about mom. It always seem like everything come down on us all at once. It is a test of our strength. You are strong. And you have Alex relying on you. You are there for him. He is there for you.Take care, hon!Come over…maybe you\’ll get a chuckle.Amy

  4. #4 by Sarah on May 11, 2005 - 1:35 am

    You did a great job with your Mum, and that\’s all you can do. All I will say it try not to worry about things. I know it\’s like trying not to think about a pink elephant, but do your best. *hugs* Thinking of you.

  5. #5 by barbara on May 11, 2005 - 5:20 am

    Is the doctor aware of this side effect with your meds? I am so sorry about your mom and this stroke. On the positive side, it was a blessing you were there and did the right thing. Verified by the doctor! I think you have a great gift for caring, a depth of perceptive understanding. You could be so helpful to others who are in adult daycare centers. (My grandma was in one where they helped her concentrate on a variety of games, puzzles, writing and reading activities – even just talking to her, she brightened up and was able to function at a higher level, closer to her normal self. Oh, she was 94 at the time!) It was largely staffed by volunteers who sometimes became paid staff.I agree with OtterStephen, writing is a great outlet for you. It gets your thoughts and emotions in order. You have a gift for it (and your spelling is great!) Keep writing.

  6. #6 by Kim on May 11, 2005 - 7:53 am

    Hi Jo Ann! Thanks for the positive comment! I had to make myself get out and stop thinking about the one thing my sister in law said about my husband. Thats really the only thing that stuck in my head. But we can only take life in stride, one day at a time, and like Peter Pan says – Think Happy Thoughts. I\’ve been relying on my faith in God to get me through this too. If I sit and worry about things I don\’t/can\’t have control over, it won\’t help me a bit. My affirmation for the week – I am a happy, loving person and I carry God\’s unique essence in my soul. Every action I do today will be for others as well as myself.Sorry to hear about your Mom. I hope she\’s doing better now. You obviously have a knack for caring for and healing people. Very impressive!!! As is your writings – your outlet when hard times face you. My prayers are still with you. {{ }}

  7. #7 by Sarah on May 11, 2005 - 11:36 pm

    Just like everyone else has said, some days are tough, some days seem downright impossible to get through, but you can do it. Take one step at a time. Accomplish something little everyday. Your writing is beautiful and if it makes you feel good to write, DO IT! Don\’t worry about what others think. Keep your chin up and each day will get a little better. We are all thinking about you!~Sarah

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