At least I have not cried all through this day. I guess it is too much to hope that Oprah or Dr. Phil might hear about our plight and care enough to help though some of the stories both have taken an interest in through the years are really no more desperate or complicated than ours in truth.
Things still look like they are going to swallow me up, but I did manage to take Mom to her doctor today. She had a pretty bad small stroke this morning before we left the house. It immobilized her left arm and I had to help her gently work it back to motion. I know enough to try to work limbs out so that they do not begin to atrophy. When I mentioned it to the doctor he said it was probably a TIA and that I did the right thing. Both my mother’s nurse and her neurologist were very concerned when they learned that I had been hospitalized. I am so integral to her care that they worry what would happen if I can not function.
We ate lunch at Dairy Queen because when we went into Taco Bell they told us that they had no diet soda in the store. I decided that did not bode well and made the decision to leave. Any manager who will let the fountain run out of diet drinks probably does not keep the rest of the store in good running order either. Could have been a momentary lapse, but I did not need extra stress on account of poor service today. The foot long hot dog I had at Dairy Queen was very good. I had not eaten there in a very long time. Mom seemed to enjoy eating there too.
I helped Mom pick out a personal tape player at Best Buy today so she can listen to the tapes that the church brings for her without my having to hear them too. She has no idea how to work the thing so it is a project I must be involved in for her to listen, but I am used to helping her with almost everything anyway.
We stopped for groceries and I blew a $100 and got almost nothing. I wish I could just stop eating…
I have to go tomorrow to see about an intensive aftercare program, but I do not see how I can be involved as I must somehow find a job. I kinda doubt anyone will hire me… no one has wanted to do so since 1993, but I must try something. I know really that I am too sick to work right now, but life intervenes and I will try. Maybe someone will have enough heart to take in someone as needy as me now.
The side effects from my medication are still terrible. I have not reacted to anything so badly in many years, I hate what the Depakote is doing to me. I have gained all the weight I had lost back in the short time I have been on it and I am not eating enough to warrant the massive change. I do what I call the medication two step because it is almost impossible to stand still anywhere. I hate it when I am so apparently off myself, anyone who sees me can discern something is wrong with me. I can hardly sit still because I am fidgety. Within minutes of dosing in the evening my speech is badly slurred and I begin to drool. I hate such detrimental side effects.
I feel really terrible now and very hopeless, but I am trying to move forward anyway.
Sometimes – An Ode to My Inadequacy
Sometimes when I ponder
How stupid I can be, my facility
At choosing such inane possibilities
Makes me wonder how any human
Worth the name could live so clueless
An existence as is apparently mine.
My ingenuity at foolishness evades
The ability of my mind to comprehend
Why I would even consider that I
Could achieve a modicum of success
When I am so gifted at causing such
Huge amounts of complete confusion.
I can take a benign situation
Insinuate myself into it and then
Suddenly complicate the whole
So that the circumstances go so out
Of rational realm of control
That no one can rectify the havoc I reek.
© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Mmm… guess I could still write were I of the mood to try, but that is about as useless as anything else I ever have an inclination to do. I have been made well aware for many years what a hopeless pursuit that is for me along with my art. It does not make it feel any less valuable to me when I need it, but it does nothing to pay the bills. I suppose that is why so many criticize me for the value I place on writing and art.
Were I to have a voice
That truly influenced
The world as it is known
Particularly to me – somehow
I would wipe away the tears
So many faces hide in shadows
And make smiles brighten the deep
Darkness that dogs so many a life.
I would find a way to delight
Those who need just a moment
Of celebration to change a dismal day
And bring forth the hope to face the pallor
That infects their dissatisfactory lives
I would tempt them to play again
Even though the risks seem so great
They almost desert the whole of the game.
I would create a dream
Worthy enough to follow
And sell it for a reasonable price
That no one would find themselves
Unable to afford – and we all working
Together would change the world
Into a dream where peace and prosperity
Could forever live and abide.
© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Hurts to be a dreamer… I finally did manage to make myself cry. Maybe such poetry as that last is too much for such a broken and hopeless heart as mine today.