Whatever…

I do not like labels a lot, but I have worn some really messed up ones for years so I am accustomed to them. The other day I asked the psychiatric nurse how I would list in categories now. She would not go into labels. That made me feel even more messed up than ever. Best I can figure now I could be placed as a Schizophrenic, Bi Polar, Depressed Person with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My mania is still not under the best of control and I am sometimes so hopeless I feel there is no way life will work.

 

Alex and I were talking last night and I wish I had his fire in my veins. He is such an inspiration and he will make it where I am a failure. I am glad that I have had the chance to see him grow into what he is, I wish I had a spark of what he retains. I am so dull compared.

 

There is not much hope of my achieving the kind of success I so often envision. I still feel invincible sometimes, but I know that is some delusionary thinking on my part probably to do with my Schizophrenia. Mania is all too new to me for me to be clear on its symptoms. I am just screwy enough to be one moment sure I can still have it all and the next bewail the fact that life is totally hopeless. I wish God would just let me out of here or if not give me some sort of miracle.

 

I asked Alex’s grandparents to consider helping us. These are the people who have done next to nothing for my boy for years. They are wealthy and could easily remove some of the pressure on me at this point. I doubt they will help though, it would mean extending some charity toward me and I am at best considered somewhat less than worthy.

 

I paid the Jeep payment today and paid the insurance on it earlier this week. The credit card companies are calling non-stop already. Mostly I am just avoiding the phone because there is not much I can do right now with my limited resources. I found out I am now considered an undesirable customer at Wachovia because I had several overdrafts on my account while in my psychosis. Over thirty years of good relationship with that institution was wiped out because I did things when I was ill and out of control.

 

I honestly understand why people choose suicide when they see the kind of horror such illnesses as I have wreck on life. I have very little desire to try to recover from all the negative repercussions that are besetting me now.

 

Even the giftedness I enjoy through my creativity is not worth the pain of all that these diseases put on me. I realize that some of my brilliance is related to the malfunctions in my brain, but the cost is very high.

 

I start the intensive after-care program next Thursday, that is if I go, because right now I think I need to find some way to make money instead. My counselors and doctor seem very concerned that if I do not receive extra help I will relapse, but I am more worried about the creditors.

 

I think that blogging may not be a good thing right now. I have not much of any desirable worth to offer now and am quite negative. I do not wish to make such a poor impression among those I have come to admire as my friends. I keep thinking about the delete button every time I pass the page where it resides, but I think maybe I can just let the blog remain a bit.

 

There is not that much to share of interest and the poetic spark is dim. I think about drawing, but I have no subject and little desire. I have noticed people think I should volunteer, but I cannot give away what skills I do have when I so desperately need funds. I am not fit to be in public anyway so it is not that hard a choice.

 

I Would Give

 

I would give you

A piece of the heart

That is left inside

What is tattered

And is worn

A part of me.

 

That is not enough

To meet your needs

So I draw back

Into the deep shadow

Where I can hide

The most of me.

 

You deserve so much

More than I can ever

Give with all my limits

So I fade away

Like dew on green grass

And let you move into destiny.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Friday, May 13, 2005

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  1. #1 by PATRICIA on May 14, 2005 - 1:09 am

    Stopping by to say Hello and Happy Friday the 13th but after reading your blog decided to stay a bit and let you know that you are cared about. I have only been visiting for a short time and I don\’t know what diseases you have or what your battles are but I have been where you are about all the pain and stuff about life, getting well, creditors and no money etc. I have 7 diseases that I have battled and I am still battleing 3 of them. It has been 17 years of constant pain and financial trauma. I only mention it to let you know that you are not alone. That your blog was not negative it was and is honest. I have come to realize that honesty is what makes this place so special. Please keep giving of your self and let us know all! There may be someone else out here that needs your honesty and your willingness to continue, continuing. Hope to hear more from you!

  2. #2 by Reeking Havoc's Lair on May 14, 2005 - 5:51 am

    Hi Joann! If you had schizophrenia, chances are you wouldn\’t be able to do a blogpage at all, or it would be consistently disorganized. Unless your doctor tells you otherwise, scratch schizophrenia from your list. Also, I add my voice to those who want you to attend the day program…If you relapse, you\’ll be unable to keep a job anyway. The staff at the program can help you find ways to adapt your lifestyle to minimize future upheavals in your finances. Maybe "worker bee" is not a role that is available, but obviously "writer" and "morale booster" are a couple of roles for which you have a gift. It always gives me a lift when you are in a positive frame of mind and leave your comments on my space. Believe me, you are making an important contribution to the human race with your blogpage, specifically: demonstrating to your many readers that persons with mental illness can be good persons to know. I have read the caring comments and the expressions of appreciation for the opportunity to learn more about this very common affliction, that have been prompted by this recent episode.My words about you being "in danger of going completely sane" still apply because I predict that you will DO the program and stick with your prescription. You\’ll maximize your potential, and that is a sanity that transcends your medical condition!

  3. #3 by Stephen on May 14, 2005 - 11:32 am

    Jo Ann -I hope you do go into a day program, it really helps when coming out of the hospital after a bad episode. I myself have done it a few times and it\’s worked wonders for me – basically reinforcing coping techniques and having positive affirmation. It\’s also a good place to vent your concerns within a group and get feedback from others in OUR situation. It was 1992 when I was finally diagnosed with Bipolar, it\’s not been an easy road – neither has yours. But we can make it through the muddy waters of life with a little help. Many times I have felt how you are feeling – but that too passes given I am doing everything I can do take care of me and my own sanity. You\’re worth it Jo Ann! When we\’re manic we do all sorts of things. In 1991 I spent myself into bankruptcy. It was a horrible blow to my self image and confidence in trusting my own judgment. I\’m not saying that\’s the answer for you – but for me it was my only way out of the hell I\’d put myself in. Reeking Havoc is dead on with his post, read it again and again. He cares, as do many! We often become our own worst enemy. I know that first hand. Obviously, we are two different people and not every answer is right for everyone, I\’m just giving you some of my experience with "the demon".Hope you have a good weekend,Stephen

  4. #4 by Dale on May 14, 2005 - 4:46 pm

    Joanne: I know I haven\’t left many comments at a lot of sites, especially returning comments left at mine. I have been battling bipolar DISORDER (manic depression) from the time I was about 11 years old (puberty!).The main reason is that I have learned through hiding my disorder, to value my alone time. This gives me the opportunity to go into my own brain. Yours and my blogging, and I hope I can say for others of us as well, is a major positive act on all of our parts to maintain that positive and level mental place.Alex is your testament to the positive person and the positive influences you have on others, even those of us you have not met in person. He would not be the strong, sensative, caring individual he is at such a young age without your guidance.We all have negative thoughts that run through our minds, some faster and more often than others. I am including "normal" people here. They have the ability to ignore it. We are sensative to the point of caring so much for others, that we always try to \’deal\’ with the negativity. Why do you think most manic and bipolar sufferers are so creative and artistic? Sensitivity. I have to tell myself every day, and this is no joke, that I will not allow others\’ negative behaviors, thoughts and attitudes become mine. I have enough in my own head at times to deal with. The more you learn to turn the negative thoughts into a positive outlook, the easier it gets to ignore them. I have a younger sister who says that she does not suffer from depression. Maybe not clinical, but she has a very distorted & unkind self image. Unfortunately, I noticed a very long time ago, that she will not look at herself in the mirror, EVER! She says she can\’t stand what she sees(?). My dad taught me when I was very young, watching him shave in the mirror, that he can tell what kind of day he can have by the thought(s) that enter his mind when he looks at himself in the mirror. If he had a negative thought, like god, I look ugly today, he knew that he was feeling that way inside. He would change that to something like-not a chance, I am strong, I am kind, I am loving and considerate, I just am having a funny day.This is just an example. Everyone has a different way of turning the negative thoughts to their own positives. All I can tell you, is sometimes it is the hardest work to do, to change your own brain, but you can and having the opportunity to enter the day program will provide the encouragement, support and strength you desire. It will also come back to you tenford, when your kind and giving nature helps the others in your daily contact. You strength will build from giveing as well just don\’t give it all away-SAVE SOME FOR YOURSELF! Don\’t forget the effect you have on others with your kind thoughts. Use them on yourself now. Alex and you mother and other friends would not be the persons they are with out having experienced the positiveness of you!Dale (Manic)

  5. #5 by Kenny on May 16, 2005 - 5:37 am

    Having not been able to access other peoples spaces for whatever reason, I have missed looking in on you. I dont come to your space to judge, to criticize or even make suggestions. I drop by out of concern for a like spirit that I barely know, yet feel a connection in the way you write. I can see so much good in you & it must be difficult when you can\’t get where you want to be in life. I do however know that a posative attitude will always in over in the end. There will always be a light at the end of the tunnel, & sunshine after a storm. For my part, my thoughts & wishes reach out to a bright spirit who knows there is more to life than life itself. It is within you to overcome these afflictions, just as you have before. Despite how difficult things may seem, you will not be tested beyond your limits…& that addage "What doesn\’t kill us only makes us stronger"Being posative changes our perspective, not being posative is harder…Smile for me & know you bring joy to my soul reading your meaningful poems & thoughts…for I know you wont be down for long.Take Care !Kenny

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