Yesterday was Alex’s seventeenth birthday and I took him out to dinner. My final luxurious expenditure until I figure out how the heck I am going to fix this mess I have made. Alex had a steak for the first time in memory at a restaurant and he loved it. I was proud. I wanted him to have something to remember.
My brother said something that cut me to the bone again yesterday, but I cannot let that define me. His opinion has little worth to me anyway considering how he regards me.
I was not expecting Jesse to attack me about Alex last night but he did, I just added him to the list of people who want to rant when I don’t meet their expectations. I think at least he received in kind, because I was rather upset when he lit into me.
Today I saw Brenda and Dr. Klopper and that went well. I think I must be doing better for Dr. Klopper to move my appointments out to a month again. I still am not doing as well as I would like and Brenda is terribly concerned that I need more therapy, but there is some improvement.
The intensive after-care program starts Thursday, but I have a feeling I will not stay with it long. There are just too many other demands on my time. I really feel a need to take charge and redefine my standing as someone strong enough to play tough. I know in reality I am somewhat weak because of my illnesses but I have a very strong and resourceful intellect and there must be some way to use that to better my situation. It may leave others to fend for themselves more, but I have been taking care of some people at my expense for a long time.
I think my resume sucks and I really don’t see how I am going to get a job. I am not stupid and I am skilled in quite a few things. My computer knowledge is rather deep and I am very good with a cash register. I can sell things too. Surely there has to be someone who will give me a chance despite the fact I have not been in the work force in a very long time.
I am not very happy right now, in fact hopelessness and depression are wearing mightily on my heart and soul. I feel like everyone here in real-life is trying to steal what little goodness I have achieved from me. Mom said last night that I had a purpose and I just told her that I no longer could follow that line. Purpose is something one has when they are able to accomplish something of merit. I am going nowhere now and headed backwards fast. That is not a gainful thing.
Maybe it will turn around sometime, but everything now and near looks dark and foreboding and my energy to make it all good is limited.
I want to reach out and grab something positive, but I don’t know where to turn now. All the influences I turn to have closed their doors to me and turned their backs. I have entered regions where the markings say Abandon All Hope.
I think I have to reach inside to find the spark but fear that it has finally gone out. I just don’t think that I can light it all up right now and that is always what has held me up before.
I hope each of you has better days and times filled with inspiration.