May 17, 2005

Yesterday was Alex’s seventeenth birthday and I took him out to dinner. My final luxurious expenditure until I figure out how the heck I am going to fix this mess I have made. Alex had a steak for the first time in memory at a restaurant and he loved it. I was proud. I wanted him to have something to remember.

 

My brother said something that cut me to the bone again yesterday, but I cannot let that define me. His opinion has little worth to me anyway considering how he regards me.

 

I was not expecting Jesse to attack me about Alex last night but he did, I just added him to the list of people who want to rant when I don’t meet their expectations. I think at least he received in kind, because I was rather upset when he lit into me.

 

Today I saw Brenda and Dr. Klopper and that went well. I think I must be doing better for Dr. Klopper to move my appointments out to a month again. I still am not doing as well as I would like and Brenda is  terribly concerned that I need more therapy, but there is some improvement.

 

The intensive after-care program starts Thursday, but I have a feeling I will not stay with it long. There are just too many other demands on my time. I really feel a need to take charge and redefine my standing as someone strong enough to play tough. I know in reality I am somewhat weak because of my illnesses but I have a very strong and resourceful intellect and there must be some way to use that to better my situation. It may leave others to fend for themselves more, but I have been taking care of some people at my expense for a long time.

 

I think my resume sucks and I really don’t see how I am going to get a job. I am not stupid and I am skilled in quite a few things. My computer knowledge is rather deep and I am very good with a cash register. I can sell things too. Surely there has to be someone who will give me a chance despite the fact I have not been in the work force in a very long time.

 

I am not very happy right now, in fact hopelessness and depression are wearing mightily on my heart and soul. I feel like everyone here in real-life is trying to steal what little goodness I have achieved from me. Mom said last night that I had a purpose and I just told her that I no longer could follow that line. Purpose is something one has when they are able to accomplish something of merit. I am going nowhere now and headed backwards fast. That is not a gainful thing.

 

Maybe it will turn around sometime, but everything now and near looks dark and foreboding and my energy to make it all good is limited.

 

I want to reach out and grab something positive, but I don’t know where to turn now. All the influences I turn to have closed their doors to me and turned their backs. I have entered regions where the markings say Abandon All Hope.

 

I think I have to reach inside to find the spark but fear that it has finally gone out. I just don’t think that I can light it all up right now and that is always what has held me up before.

 

I hope each of you has better days and times filled with inspiration.

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  1. #1 by peggy on May 17, 2005 - 10:57 pm

    Hi,Come visit my website and see if you want to be added to my 40-50\’s people list.Just leave a comment of yes or no. Thanks

  2. #2 by marquis on May 18, 2005 - 5:25 am

    Seems like the entry before me is a ad, I could be very wrong. Sounds like you and Alex had a great time chowing down. Its 4:25am here and I could use a steak with some A1 sauce. Hope all is well and have a "fantastic" day.

  3. #3 by Stephen on May 18, 2005 - 8:28 am

    JoAnn -It sounds like you gave Alex a good birthday, he\’s a smart guy – not unlike his mother. About what was said to you, frankly who cares what someone else thinks. That person sounds like my eldest brother, talk about thinking the world revolves around a single persons opinion! Just consider the source and move on, you have you too be focused on, not someone\’s negative thoughts or opinions. I\’ve had very rough patches like you\’re having now, I just hold on to anything positive I can find – and that can be difficult to say the least. But there will be light at the end somewhere for you! Warmly,Stephen

  4. #4 by Kim on May 18, 2005 - 11:28 am

    I woke up and thought of you this morning, Jo Ann. I really am not a big religious fanatic but have found a spirituality that reigns far above the dogma that was pounded in my head as a child. I asked for you to be surrounded by the white light of the Holy Spirit and for Them to show you a bit of financial kindness in the immediate days ahead – even if its a lottery ticket. I know how stressful it is when you\’re worried about how you\’re going to pay this or that – my family has been there all too often. I pictured the healing green light around your head in hopes to give you some mental comfort and a smile today. (This was around 10am EST- did you feel anything?) I agree with your mom – you do indeed have a purpose. Everyone does. You\’re here to learn everything you can emotionally to perfect your soul. The harder your life, the more you learn. Think of it as a schooling. Just by getting out of bed everyday you\’ve accomplished something. Just by being a mom everyday you accomplish something. You are loved and you love back – thats a great accomplishment. Things happen when they\’re supposed to so hang in there. We\’re all standing by your side.Sending blessings and extra angels your way today. {{{ }}}Kim

  5. #5 by Patrick on May 18, 2005 - 4:01 pm

    Very touching message you left on my blog. Honestly I didn\’t think I\’d be missed at all, I suppose I concluded it was all rather pointless.

  6. #6 by Sarah on May 18, 2005 - 5:16 pm

    There\’s always hope *hugs*Even in the dark days when you\’ve hit the bottom of the pit there is a way out to the light again.Don\’t give up hun, seriously. It will get better. You\’re a great Mum and a top person. It will be okay *hugs*

  7. #7 by Sandi on May 21, 2005 - 8:17 pm

    JoAnn, RH and I are so pleased you are doing better. Keep up the fight, I know it\’s worth it! I think the OP program might be a centering point for you right now… go with that and take care of JoAnn for a while. It will all fall into place. b\’shalom.. DC

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