Tardy Post

I am trying to hang in and I guess I am actually doing a little better, but hopelessness daunts me. My situation is so beyond my control that I cannot see digging out of it.

 

I went to the aftercare program Thursday and Friday and the doctor there shifted my medicines around somewhat. On Thursday evening he wanted me to leave off the Geodon and only take the Depakote because when he saw me Thursday I was zombie-like. On Friday morning I was less stiff but I had slept almost none during the night. He then took me off the Depakote and said to take the Geodon in the evening. By Friday evening I was having visual hallucinations. I have not done that in some time. Getting the Geodon back into my system stopped that yesterday and today. I feel better than I have since being in the hospital and am mostly calm. They will evaluate me Monday to see if I need something to control mania. I do not feel myself slipping into that though.

 

I have some depression that is hanging over me but there is no wonder in that considering my situation. I received the paperwork yesterday that will seal my losing what partial Medicaid benefits I get. I unfortunately have a life insurance policy so Alex would be taken care of if I die and the cash value on the policy has grown to the point that I will lose what little benefit I have been getting. Seems like every financial demon that could rear its head is doing it at once.

 

I was talking to my Mom today and I was saying it is unbelievable that I could be so gifted, talented, and intelligent yet have absolutely nothing to show for it. I am artistic, with the ability to paint, draw, design, I can write poetry and prose that moves people, I can motivate and inspire people who are in therapeutic environments, I can teach children and adults, but I have no capacity to earn money with any of that simply because I do not know how to do so. I lack the credentials to be hired and I lack the belief in myself to market myself.

 

I know that I am a rare person, but at the same time there is little faith in my abilities. I am awash in a world where I do not know how to survive. I read the last poem I posted here to my Mom today and she said she thought it would sell. I think it would sell too, but one poem is a very little thing in a sea that is drowning me. I do not even know where to begin the process. I need something life changing now.

 

Alex has gone away with no return date. He says he cannot be around me now. I have to get positive and take action in my life. He has decided that I am able to do whatever it takes to be self-sufficient. The only thing holding me up according to him is my lack of self-respect, self-esteem, and self-confidence. His talk ended with him telling me to fuck off so I expect he may not come back home.

 

I do not know what to do now. I am supposed to attend this aftercare program and so far it seems helpful, but it is not getting my other issues solved. I need to be in several places at once.

 

Carrot

 

Out there

Just beyond my reach

Sits the prize I know

Could be mine to own.

 

I feel

The desire to make

Plain my realistic claim

But I hesitate with fear.

 

Somewhere

Within my heart

The faith resides

Yet my mind cannot believe.

 

I am

Torn apart

Because myself

Battles with my plight.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Sunday, May 22, 2005

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  1. #1 by barbara on May 23, 2005 - 3:03 am

    The only thing you lack is, perhaps, the education to turn all that talent into a profession. Or perhaps I do not know all the facts? Do you qualify for some sort of job training or college entrance? Maybe you could get a teaching certification? Maybe register with Manpower for temp positions?Let me know if I am out of line asking these questions or making these suggestions. I do not wish to add to your turmoil but you are a very talented person. Perhaps you have had these ideas to but other thing have prevented their implementation. I wish I could do more but I can only offer good wishes and hugs to you. {{}}

  2. #2 by Reeking Havoc's Lair on May 23, 2005 - 6:07 am

    JoAnn, I will continue to say that what you need now is the day program. It will provide the support you need for the time being, to be able to take on something more. Jumping into a job would be premature and likely result in another relapse. I hear that you feel distressed, but you sure are more functional than you were a few weeks ago. Don\’t blow it!

  3. #3 by Patrick on May 23, 2005 - 11:19 am

    Jo, after reading your post, I feel great empathy. I am like you in the sense that my greatest aptitudes have always been related to the humanities. My darkest hours have arisen from the prospect that there is no real demand for such gifts. I cannot speak for your son, but it sounds like he is frustrated that you cannot see the powers and capabilties that HE sees within you. He probably also feels helpless because he knows there is nothing HE can do to "change your mind". Medications and a support group can help improve your OUTLOOK, and it\’s got to start there so that you can formulate a strategy and BELIEVE that you can carry it out…you ALREADY know what your capabilities and talents are. It\’s hard to form a strategy for the future when you\’re in a dark place, and the future is just this black void. One needs to have a bit of light shewn ahead into the void so that one begins to see SOMETHING attainable there. You needn\’t make a living with your creative gifts, so long as you DO them. Don\’t bite off the whole future in one mouthfull, that\’s too much for anyone. You just need a bit of help getting out of the dark place 🙂

  4. #4 by Stephen on May 23, 2005 - 4:09 pm

    JoAnn -One challenge at a time. You have a good grasp on how you\’re feeling and doing and that is a great accomplishment. We can often be our worst critics. I think Alex will come around, he too as an individual needs to find his way in the world like you or I do. Venting your thoughts and feelings is very healthy, as you\’re not holding them in to let them swallow you up. Don\’t you also have Medicare, not just Medicaid? My Medicaid is mainly for my scripts and a co-insurance. Medicare takes care of most of my needs. But then our financial issues are different and Medicaid is different from state to state. I learned that while trying to move to Georgia. Damn, what a mess that was!Warmly,Stephen

  5. #5 by Zen on May 23, 2005 - 4:35 pm

    I\’ve nothing to add but… 🙂

  6. #6 by Kenny on May 23, 2005 - 11:40 pm

    I\’m sure Alex will come around, maybe he just needs some space at the moment (hey that\’s ironic). As for you, the creative flair is returning beautifully, your poem is great as it is organised & thought provoking. Dont look at the big picture of your life a.t.m. one thing at a time will still get you there & before you know it you will look back, it will al be behind you once more.Take Care & Smile OftenKenny

  7. #7 by barbara on May 24, 2005 - 3:03 am

    You have many wise friends here, Jo Ann. I see the wisdom in Searcher73\’s comments and also those in ReekingHavoc and OtterStephen. And decruize sees your beauty as I do. You DO have a future however you do need to take care of YOU first before you move into that future. Make yourself well.

  8. #8 by Kim on May 24, 2005 - 12:10 pm

    Hey Jo Ann! Was just checkin in on ya. Hope you\’re having a better day today. {{ }} Kim

  9. #9 by PATRICIA on May 24, 2005 - 2:07 pm

    Very wonderful Poem! You and your writtings are a valuable asset to this space and to the world – no matter what the challenge – you will prevail – your love will prevail – your kind heart will prevail!

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