Update and Two Poems…

The partial hospitalization program is something very different to anything I have ever experienced before. The professionals there are very well trained and very respectful. Coming home at night and having time to live somewhat normally is advantageous. Today I saw the doctor and he seemed pleased with my progress. He left me on Geodon and the fish oil for now. He discussed another medication but I have no insurance to cover medication so if we can avoid adding more into the mix I would like to do so.

 

I am so worried about my financial situation and the fact that I stand to lose my Medicaid when I so need this program. I know that there is no way I can explain away all the chaos I caused in my finances while in grips of mania. I cannot even fathom what I was doing. A caseworker is never going to comprehend it and without understanding my benefits are blown.

 

I talked to someone who used to be a close friend of mine yesterday evening and she was very supportive. I cried a lot during our conversation because I am still hurting so much but she said that I sounded better than when she had talked to me about two weeks ago. I really don’t feel much better, but I guess I am progressing. She spoke to me about purpose which is what everybody seems to bring up whenever I say I really rather not be alive. Purpose just seems some word that is used to mock. Yet at the same time I know within that there must be purpose for me. I actually wrote about it yesterday morning, but it is mythic to me right now.

 

Here’s the poem I wrote yesterday morning:

 

Survival

 

I need a little hope

To hold me, to guide me

Faithfully on my way.

I need a little love

To lift me, to bring me

Safely through each day.

I must believe in myself

To accomplish anything

Of worth as I go along the way.

I must remember

I have purpose and reason

Or I will be lost in every day.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Monday, May 23, 2005

 

I am not having the time to visit everyone’s blogs like I used to do and I am very sorry. I am not really settled enough to accomplish much of anything right now. I am very restless and uneasy. I want to do things but I have trouble with a lot of things. Mostly I want to fix all my problems and I have no means so I feel useless. I want to do art, but subject evades me. I think depression is causing a lack of focus and loss of attention. I pace a lot and mostly want to talk to somebody, but I don’t have that many people who want to talk to me.

 

I appreciate all of you who are still reading me and leaving supportive comments. It helps to know that you care about me. Sometimes I feel so lonely, even in group I feel isolated. I know that is crazy, but I feel it. I am really warped.

 

I noticed a comment about BlogShares and wanted to point out that in the March archives there is a tutorial on that subject. I covered a lot about it that I learned as a new player. BlogShares is very similar to an old computer stock market game I played in the very early nineties and I seem to have a knack for understanding how to work with stock type games. I have some stocks that have gotten too high for trading now because I was inactive during most of April and I cannot sell them off to get rid of them which is a liability and makes my standing messed up.

 

Alex has not called so I do not know what he is thinking and I miss him terribly. He was so disgusted and angry at me when he left that I am at a loss as to whether I should call to find out how he is or not. He was saying that I just failed to live up to my potential and that I lacked motivation to accomplish anything. All understanding that I have an illness seemed to have left him. He is with his father now I guess, I really do not know. I am worried he may not come back here. I guess I deserve that, I have failed so badly now. It hurts to think he may leave when I have tried so hard to be a good mother. I guess I was not that either. I thought I was always there for him and did my best to make sure he had all he needed even though it meant going into debt. I guess I just did not do enough.

 

If I had worked maybe he would respect me, but I really have not been able to handle the stress of a job for years. I am so paranoid in public that it is hard to function even in shopping situations. I think maybe on very good days I might be capable of working, but there have not been that many very good days. I want to try to work again, but I am not so sure that even at the end of this treatment program that I am in that I can do it. On days when I hallucinate it would be very hard to function normally and that happens quite a lot. Mostly I can cope with it here at home and do something to take my mind off of it, but it is disconcerting in public situations. To avoid hallucinations totally requires so much medication that I am utterly sedated. I mostly cope with it without mentioning it much because though the voices worry me I know they are not real and I figure there is not much that can be done but ignore them. I listen to music or just engage my mind elsewhere, I cope. Right now I seem in a good phase as far as the audible hallucinations go, but it is not a sure thing it will remain that way. Stress and lack of sleep or anything really can effect my state of mind.

 

I want to be "normal", but just to function in a controlled environment is sometimes hard. I hate that I cannot do everything others believe I should, but sometimes it is well beyond me. I know I am gifted and talented but I also know I have very real limitations. If I can somehow minimize the limits maybe I can accomplish more. I want to do so, but I do not know if it is possible.

 

Right now I am just working on becoming strong enough to cope with all the disasters my manic episode caused. I have to deal with that manifestation of illness now and try to improve a little daily and avoid an outbreak in the schizophrenic symptoms. The visual hallucinations Friday evening were enough to warn that I could have something critical develop with that at this time too. My chemistry is not able to handle too much right now. I am getting stronger, but there is a lot that is not equalized.

 

Seeing What Is Real

 

I walk into the room

I see strangers

I fear their judgment

I fear not fitting in

I feel alone and odd.

 

I take a seat

I do not belong

I listen to the stories

I see the likeness

I understand.

 

I fear speaking

Tears flow

Someone notices

Tissues are passed

Connection is made.

 

I still feel different

But I speak

I offer knowledge

I explain experience

Others understand.

 

We are all strangers

Wanting to belong

Our experience unites us

We gain strength

When we share ourselves.

 

I leave the room

Having friends

I know they care

We share a bond

We are all one.

 

© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

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  1. #1 by L on May 24, 2005 - 7:23 pm

    Give Alex time. Please don\’t ever think that you are a bad mother. From what I have read it sounds like you have a really close relationship with your son, and that is something to be very proud of. Maybe he just needs time on his own to come to grips with all that has happened. Sometimes it is easy to forget that those closest to us also suffer from what ails us. But I am sure you know that already. You have great insight and I have faith in you. 🙂

  2. #2 by Zen on May 24, 2005 - 11:02 pm

    Hi hun…just stopping in to say hello and let you know I\’m thinking about you. Hang in there…it sounds like you\’re doing well and getting better… keep up the good work!

  3. #3 by Melissa on May 26, 2005 - 6:21 am

    Hi Jo! I\’m just makin orunds and thought I would drop in on you and say hi! 🙂

  4. #4 by Kim on May 26, 2005 - 7:24 pm

    Hey Jo AnnSending blessings and extra angels your way.Kim

  5. #5 by Kenny on May 27, 2005 - 1:29 am

    Hi JoAnn,I\’ve had my own prob\’s for a few days after my space was shut down (among other things) I can still visit your\’s though…that\’s important to me. I love your poems b.t.w.Keep smiling !Kenny

  6. #6 by Reeking Havoc's Lair on May 27, 2005 - 6:18 am

    Leigh Ann has said what I wanted to say regarding Alex: He seems to have withdrawn from the struggle he was trying to share with you. Fact is, it is beyond the capacity of A 16 (or 17) year old to cope with such a task. His apparent anger may have been what he needed to use to justify leaving the battle, which he had to do to survive emotionally intact. You can be sure he does not feel good about it, and will need your expression of forgiveness and understanding when he contacts you. I sense that this will be forthcoming. I have to say, I admire your courage (though you don\’t FEEL brave), you act in a way that demonstrates it. You bless us all by sharing your thoughts and feelings here.You WILL talk with the people at the day program about your Medicaid, won\’t you? Probably already have…

  7. #7 by Zen on May 27, 2005 - 4:39 pm

    Listen to RH. He\’s one of them smart people.

  8. #8 by Sarah on May 28, 2005 - 12:15 pm

    Jo Ann,I admire you for many things. You WANT to help yourself. You are trying to take care of yourself, your mother, your son. There are so many people out there that are capable of working but are content on taking hand-outs and using their unemployment as long as possible so that they don\’t have to work. There are people that have every ability to take care of their children but rather pawn them off on others. You are such a good person. You WANT to take care of yourself. You WANT to provide for your family. You WANT to take care of your son. You are so much better off than those others are. You just need to take the time to get some things situated (your finances, your meds, etc) Have patience and do the best you can. Take one day at a time. You\’ll get there.~Sarah

  9. #9 by Barb on May 28, 2005 - 3:19 pm

    Hi Jo Ann,I have been so busy of late I have hardly had time to breathe..:)I love the two new poems ..they really say so much I know things seem heavy at the moment…but this too will passyou just have to believe and hang in there!Alex loves you dearly he is just acting like a typical sixteen year old,perhaps he just needs a little space for the moment.Just wanted to say hi and let you know I was thinking about you:)Have a GREAT Weekend,HugsBarb

  10. #10 by premed_aaron on May 28, 2005 - 3:56 pm

    Your poems are bunk… bunk is good!I\’ve been to your site, with much delight,So take a minute, and come visit…Excellent page…AaronWpg, MB

  11. #11 by PATRICIA on May 30, 2005 - 6:52 pm

    You always give so much of yourself in your blogs I love your honesty and your willingness to be authentic. I often have to reminded myself of my purpose and my worthiness – so your poem really hit home for me. Thank you.

  12. #12 by PATRICIA on June 2, 2005 - 6:07 pm

    Hope to see you back soon. Stopping by to say hello and ~Happy Guestbook Signing Day~

  13. #13 by Kenny on June 2, 2005 - 8:09 pm

    Just dropping by to make sure everything is okay thereRegardsKenny

  14. #14 by Sarah on June 2, 2005 - 10:14 pm

    I hope you are doing ok. We are all thinking about you.~Sarah

  15. #15 by Shari on June 14, 2005 - 12:31 am

    Purpose is an illusion supported only by the vanity of our own minds. 🙂 Sometimes when you can\’t write you shoud just open a notebook and write that you don\’t know what to write…. it\’s still practice…. Hope things start going better. 🙂

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