Archive for June, 2005
Today was an amazing day. Sometimes I forget that God is so good to me because other things seem so out of control. I finally learned how to set my not so new now alarm clock and it woke me this morning. This was a good thing because all this time I have had this wonderfully annoying alarm and could not figure out how to set it. Now for at least awhile I have an alarm that will wake me, this will end my dependence on Mom to wake us up in the mornings.
I ate cereal, dressed and carried Alex to his job. He is working at a lawnmower repair shop. It is a good first job. Yesterday he touched a hot muffler and blistered his hand and I got upset that he was hurt, but he has to learn to take care of himself somewhere. I cannot always be there to protect him.
I went to the partial hospitalization program. I really missed this program while I was hospitalized because I had made some friends and the structure of the program is very good for me. Today I talked about my irrational thoughts and delusions. The counselors helped me come up with ways to reframe the thoughts so that they were not negative and now for the first time in years I feel like I have a way to deal with what has led to my hospitalization so many times. They said I should use affirmations like: I am a likeable person and have friends who care about me, I am a modern woman and a good person, and God loves me and I am saved by his grace. That last one is just a furtherance for the one before that I came up with on the spur of the moment here, but it relates to those delusions about being a terrible character out of the Bible. They also suggested that I use first, second, and third person saying the affirmations to help make them real for me. Also they suggested that I write them, say them, post them in prominent places, and record them to play back to myself. I am hoping that this will be effective.
Mom cooked hamburgers for supper and those were very good. I was glad she cooked so I did not have to do so. I am cooking again, not liking it, but I need to do it. Alex needs good food after working all day.
I played Bejeweled 2 a bit tonight. I did not do very well but it was relaxing. I had not done that in months. I also used Photoshop a little and did a small drawing I did not save. That program is wonderful. I cannot wait until I have some time to actually learn to use it. I have a feeling I can do miracles with that software.
Just wanted you all to know things are going better than yesterday. I did not write because I was in a mess last night. Every time I start into the negative thought patterns now I become afraid of going back in the hospital. It is very scary for me.
Sorry I left without saying anything. I had to go in hospital again from June 5 to June 14. I went way off the deep end and no one here could get me to cooperate. I am not sure I am much better but I am not acting so weird that I scare my family so that is one thing. I will be attending the partial hospitalization program during the week. I think that will be helpful for a while.
I hated the hospital stay. It was not fun. I did not learn much while I was there because I did not participate in what was offered. My memory of the time I spent there is sketchy. I think I was really in a fog due to my psychosis and medication changes. I am much clearer now. I know what I am doing and what is going on around me.
Unfortunately I lost some things. There were some poems on my desk that evidently fell in the garbage and got burned while I was gone and the ring Alex gave me that was like his graduation ring disappeared sometime during the first day I was hospitalized. I am so sad about this because that ring and the poetry meant a great deal to me and are irreplaceable.
This disease sucks. It not only disturbs my life and relationships, it robs me of things I value. How does one fight an enemy that is part of oneself without destroying the self in the process? I know so little how to minimize the damage when all the world around me fades away. The danger not only encompasses myself and others around me, it extends into the world and my environment. I am not safe to be, much less to act when I am out of control. The delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations take me away from what little reality I grasp and drop me in a terrifying country where there is no one else. The isolation and loneliness are hell for me, and I cannot clearly express what I experience there to anyone. No wonder my greatest fear is going to hell, I visit its territory every time I become unbalanced. Not even the love of God is evident to me when I go there. I am lost and so alone.
I am taking 4mg or Risperdal daily now. I am not sure that it is any better than what I was taking, but I know that I do not have patients assistance set up for it so I will not be able to continue it beyond the first month unless we can set it up soon. I cannot afford to pay for medication with all the other things for which I must pay. I have this feeling that I must soon learn to cope without the medication anyway, I know it will be hard but I have done it in the past. Those times when I was without medication were the ones when I achieved something with my life. I need to achieve again no matter what risk that entails. I must accomplish some things or give up living.
I am not a chicken shit, but a survivor, so I will go on. There is no way that I will allow my condition to win over me. I may have been overcome briefly in recent times, but I am not defeated. The life I live is to God not to be destroyed by some dementia. I know that I will have difficult days, but any life is subject to such. It is how we deal with the difficulty that sets us apart and shows our stamina. With the help of God I am not weak but strong and shall come into victory.
I did not write while I was away this time, my mind was fractured with paranoid Schizophrenic chaos and there was no putting down cognizant thought. In such a state I could not think reasonably. I am lucky to come back to some semblance of normalcy. I know right now that I am weaker than I would like. My mind has spaces that are obscured by fog, but this will improve with time I hope.
Hope is the thing. Without hope there is no reason to plunge forward into the next sentence. Without hope all the battles are lost, as is the war. Without hope we are all prisoners with no hope of redemption. Hope is the light that allows us to conclude there is something yet for us to say, to achieve, and to accomplish. Hope is the power that makes us continue the fight despite our losses. Hope reminds us that freedom is our legacy from generation to generation. God does not intend us to live in darkness, but loves us enough to inspire us with hope for a bright future where truth shines for our understanding.
I hope all of you are well and apologize for leaving so abruptly. I shall try to stay well enough to remain at home, but right now I can make no promises. I am not certain what moment to moment will hold for me. It is always that way for all of us, but just now it is less reasonable than usual for me to have any expectation of what life will be like in a second. I only hope for clarity, it is not something of which I can be certain.
Just to let you know that things are very busy here. Alex came home last Friday and has decided to stay here for the Summer because there is more to do here than with his father. He has gotten a job and is working this morning. We are going up to Chattanooga to recover his clothes this evening.
I am not doing well at all. I am definitely having delusions, obsessive thoughts, and hallucinations, but I am trying to cope. I kinda know what is going on but am very scatterbrained. I can not keep up with my keys, manage paperwork, or do much that is constructive right now. The paranoia is extremely bad.
I know some of you really care about me so I wanted to let you know I am still in the partial hospitalization program, but I am not really progressing. Things in group frighten me terribly. There was a man there yesterday who yelled several times that we were all going to hell. He even named each of us and it just fed my paranoia and delusions. I really want to quit the program. I come home so stressed I do not act normally here. Alex says I need to go back in the hospital, but I do not want to go back in because I lose so much there. I really need to learn to deal with people, but the way things are I do not feel any better. I usually just deal with all the psychosis by withdrawing from life, but that has not made me productive and competent so I want more. I cannot stay in my house or with someone I know every day for the rest of my life. I have to learn to cope, but I am not doing it well at all.
I am having a great deal of difficultly writing this and it is taking an awful long time. I hope all of you are doing well.