Just A Note…

Just to let you know that things are very busy here. Alex came home last Friday and has decided to stay here for the Summer because there is more to do here than with his father. He has gotten a job and is working this morning. We are going up to Chattanooga to recover his clothes this evening.

 

I am not doing well at all. I am definitely having delusions, obsessive thoughts, and hallucinations, but I am trying to cope. I kinda know what is going on but am very scatterbrained. I can not keep up with my keys, manage paperwork, or do much that is constructive right now. The paranoia is extremely bad.

 

I know some of you really care about me so I wanted to let you know I am still in the partial hospitalization program, but I am not really progressing. Things in group frighten me terribly. There was a man there yesterday who yelled several times that we were all going to hell. He even named each of us and it just fed my paranoia and delusions. I really want to quit the program. I come home so stressed I do not act normally here. Alex says I need to go back in the hospital, but I do not want to go back in because I lose so much there. I really need to learn to deal with people, but the way things are I do not feel any better. I usually just deal with all the psychosis by withdrawing from life, but that has not made me productive and competent so I want more. I cannot stay in my house or with someone I know every day for the rest of my life. I have to learn to cope, but I am not doing it well at all.

 

I am having a great deal of difficultly writing this and it is taking an awful long time. I hope all of you are doing well.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by Christie on June 4, 2005 - 2:09 pm

    Although I have never left you a comment, I have been concerned for you and have checked back regularly looking for an update. I am very sorry that things are not going well for you!! If you ever need anything I am here for you!!! Take care of yourself!

  2. #2 by Reeking Havoc's Lair on June 4, 2005 - 2:25 pm

    Does your doctor know you need an adjustment in your medicine? It might keep you out of the hospital…

  3. #3 by Dale on June 4, 2005 - 10:27 pm

    Joanne-I know you have been battling this for a long time. If you know you are feeling the way you are, then you must be insistant for your life and your son\’s that the doctor\’s listen to you and adjust your medication, or at the very least, change it to something more suitable. I finally got fed up with being used as a guinea pig for my general practicioner and foung the strength and the courage to search out the answers my self and get medicated correctly. And have been for the last 2 1/2 years. The whole world has changed for me. I am the person I always shud be and I am strong enough mentally, emotionally, and even physically now to not let myself be run over by others who can take advantage of our kindness when we are depressed. I almost died a year ago when the problems I have been having with my bowel for the last 12 years escalated into requiring 1/3 of the large colon being removed. It was caused from medication I originally too when I first requested medication about 15 years ago. I had been dealing with the pain of flairups for the last 14 years. I even went vegetarian in order to alleviate the flare ups. I realized when my bowel perforated, as I was lying in a hospital where 3 doctors could not find ANYTHING wrong with me, that doctors ARE NOT PERFECT-they are humans too and are just as fallible as the rest of us. I was very lucky that one female doctor was able to admit she could not pinpoint an exact problem and she transferred me to a hospital that would have senior doctors on hand to find the cause. I saw the doctor at the other hospital for 5 minutes. He diagnosed it as a perforated bowel in that time! Tests comfirmed his conclusion and I was treated. He even said that if I had not gotten there as soon as I did that the infection would have overtaken my whole system with fatal consequences.So FIGHT! FIGHT for all you are worth; and you are worth a lot to a lot of people-do not ever underestimate that or yourself. Get angry if you have too. Yes, kindness is good for 90% of the time. But when it comes right down to it-get mad and fight back!I hope you do not get insulted by my saying these things. I have been there and I want you to get where I am as well.I will check back soon.

  4. #4 by Kenny on June 5, 2005 - 9:28 am

    At least I know you are okay, even if you don\’t feel O.K. (if that makes sense) JoAnn, I wish you happiness & a speedy recoveryKenny

  5. #5 by SillyCrystalD on June 5, 2005 - 10:52 pm

    just looking in on you 🙂 you\’re in my thoughts often

  6. #6 by Shasta Explorer on June 6, 2005 - 1:41 am

    Hang in there girl… You can do this!

  7. #7 by Melissa on June 6, 2005 - 7:19 am

    Hang in there girl….you\’ll be fine. We are all pulling for you.HUGGZ, Melissa

  8. #8 by Stephen on June 6, 2005 - 8:49 am

    JoAnn – I agree with ReekingHavoc, it sounds like there is a medication adjustment needed. When I have had a similar problem arise like you, it\’s been a medication adjustment and that usually can be done on an out patient basis as long as you\’re going to the day program and being monitored. I know it probably seems impossible to phathom but try to realize that this too shall pass. But certainly have your meds re-evaluated. Many Hugs,Stephen

  9. #9 by Kenny on June 6, 2005 - 9:03 am

    Thanks for letting us know JoAnn. Come back soon all refreshed !

  10. #10 by Sarah on June 6, 2005 - 8:43 pm

    Jo Ann, I agree with manicspinning. Doctors are wonderful and preform miracles everyday but they can miss some things and you need to demand to them to adjust your meds. I am glad to see you are still around since you hadn\’t updated in a while. Hang in there. Things will get better. Keep fighting until your doctors get you the help you need!~Sarah

  11. #11 by Christopher on June 7, 2005 - 6:11 am

    Hey!!!nice to meet you Jo Ann! I love writing as well, writing about anything actually. So it was nice to see your blog, hehe, your blog has so many things to read, cool!Anyways, I\’ll start reading ur stuff, hope to get to know u better!Take care,Chris.

  12. #12 by Christopher on June 8, 2005 - 1:20 pm

    Hey Jo Ann, I really do hope you get better soon. Life must be quite hard right now, just please don\’t let go, just keep taking one day at a time. I really do hope they will get you back on ur feet again.

  13. #13 by SillyCrystalD on June 8, 2005 - 1:39 pm

    hey there babe! just checking in on you!! sorry I\’ve been scarce…I miss you! planning the wedding, working and keeping our relationship strong has taken a lot of time 😛 hope you\’re doing ok! LATER

  14. #14 by redvelvet on June 9, 2005 - 11:33 pm

    Keep pushing forward Jo… You can do it!!! You\’re in our thoughts & prayers… CIAO!!!

  15. #15 by Patrick on June 10, 2005 - 10:25 am

    Jo, what sorts of things do they do in the program? Is it just a sit-in-a-circle and talk, or do they teach you things? Just curious. Also, I hope you\’ve done as RH has suggested and inquired with your doctor about adjusting your medication.

  16. #16 by Melissa on June 10, 2005 - 1:01 pm

    ….just dropped in to say hello again. Have a great weekend Jo! 🙂

  17. #17 by PATRICIA on June 10, 2005 - 2:35 pm

    I heart goes out to you. My Brother suffered with the same difficulties and I cared for him for many years. I understand the pain and fear. Hold on to your self and do what you need to do for your own persoal care.I’m going to be busy with my family doing another yard sale. My son lives across from a park and they are having a fair, and that is always a great time to have a sale, for us and for all the people that come. I will be back Monday. Try and have a Great Weekend for yourself and Alex!

  18. #18 by Kenny on June 11, 2005 - 1:31 am

    A few days on, hopefully you are catching up with yourself. Try to find reasons to smile – it won\’t be long!

  19. #19 by Sandi on June 11, 2005 - 9:28 pm

    Jo, it sounds like things are beginning to become unravelled. Have you talked with the doc? I know you don\’t want to go in the hospital, but the longer you put off addressing this the longer you may need to stay. Maybe the meds need a little \’fine tuning\’? Keep the faith, chick… you are one brave soulsister, and I applaud your efforts. Get the help you need. DC

  20. #20 by K€££Ï on June 12, 2005 - 8:46 am

    http://www.pianoladynancy.com/something_nice.htmHAPPY SAY SOMETHING NICE DAY FOR JUNE 14THkelzorld loves ya, keep on bloggin baby!

  21. #21 by Shari on June 14, 2005 - 12:25 am

    A wise man once said, "Do not go gently to that good night…." I agree with him. I get back to blogging and am distressed that you are in such a bad spot…. So, I am sending you all my good thoughts and gentle dreams. I can\’t send much advice for medicine or hospitals, having never really partaken in either, but I sincerely hope you are doing well.

  22. #22 by Sassene on June 14, 2005 - 7:36 am

    Hi Sweet Jo Ann,Sorry that I haven\’t been by for a while. Please forgive me. I will keep you in my prayers. I hope that you will get well soon enoughl. I agree with most people here. You should speak to your doctor, and make sure they adjust your medicaitons, and keep an eye on you. Love,SasseneOXOXOX

  23. #23 by redvelvet on June 14, 2005 - 3:32 pm

    I’ve been told… Today is “Say Something Nice Day”… So I want to say…When I make my rounds…Through the virtual world… I often drop by your space… You always have something…That makes me THINK…Or puts a smile upon my face…There are some great people at MSN Spaces & you\’re one of them!!! Love your space… you are so open & honest… Loved the quote from Reeking Havoc\’s Lair… Thanks for sharing… CIAO!!!

  24. #24 by Kenny on June 14, 2005 - 7:01 pm

    As the sun peeps out from behind dark clouds, a brilliant rainbow forms throught the mist. It was always there, just obscured from our view…upon us all a little rain must fall

  25. #25 by Virus on June 15, 2005 - 3:11 am

  26. #26 by Sandi on June 15, 2005 - 4:04 pm

    JoAnn, How are you doing? I notice you\’ve not been blogging. I\’m hoping you\’re doing better and taking care of yourself. You are a precious gift, woman. Take care of yourself! DC

  27. #27 by Zen on June 16, 2005 - 1:30 pm

    You may just be one of the strongest people I know. It\’s an honor, honestly.

  28. #28 by Kenny on June 17, 2005 - 6:45 pm

    Irrespective of my own problems, I make time to check in on you…I hope all is okay there

  29. #29 by L on June 17, 2005 - 7:29 pm

    Hi JoAnn,Just popping in to say hi. Take care.

  30. #30 by Shari on June 17, 2005 - 11:58 pm

    Still hoping you come back to the light! TTFN….

  31. #31 by Reeking Havoc's Lair on June 20, 2005 - 5:46 am

    I\’m happy to see you\’re back with us! Your writing is so clear-headed now!… but I must inform you that you have one more delusion you must dismiss, which is the idea of doing without antipsychotic medicine. Strength has nothing to do with it. You can reasonably expect to need an antipsychotic for the rest of your life. Look how much better you function with it… God blessed us all by letting researchers discover these medications.Let\’s gratefully use them! Finding resources to afford it will be the winning battle. Mustering "strength of mind" is not…

  32. #32 by Stephen Craig on July 12, 2005 - 4:11 am

    Jo, Had to catch my breath, Then take a moment to pray. In the Name of the Fatrher, Son, and Holy Spirit, thou are One. Here I Pray for all. Jesus, Mary,Joseph, and All The Saints I bow and pray for you. There I Pray for All.Be well.Stephen Craig Rowe

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