Hello…

Sorry I left without saying anything. I had to go in hospital again from June 5 to June 14. I went way off the deep end and no one here could get me to cooperate. I am not sure I am much better but I am not acting so weird that I scare my family so that is one thing. I will be attending the partial hospitalization program during the week. I think that will be helpful for a while.

 

I hated the hospital stay. It was not fun. I did not learn much while I was there because I did not participate in what was offered. My memory of the time I spent there is sketchy. I think I was really in a fog due to my psychosis and medication changes. I am much clearer now. I know what I am doing and what is going on around me.

 

Unfortunately I lost some things. There were some poems on my desk that evidently fell in the garbage and got burned while I was gone and the ring Alex gave me that was like his graduation ring disappeared sometime during the first day I was hospitalized. I am so sad about this because that ring and the poetry meant a great deal to me and are irreplaceable.

 

This disease sucks. It not only disturbs my life and relationships, it robs me of things I value. How does one fight an enemy that is part of oneself without destroying the self in the process? I know so little how to minimize the damage when all the world around me fades away. The danger not only encompasses myself and others around me, it extends into the world and my environment. I am not safe to be, much less to act when I am out of control. The delusions, paranoia, and hallucinations take me away from what little reality I grasp and drop me in a terrifying country where there is no one else. The isolation and loneliness are hell for me, and I cannot clearly express what I experience there to anyone. No wonder my greatest fear is going to hell, I visit its territory every time I become unbalanced. Not even the love of God is evident to me when I go there. I am lost and so alone.

 

I am taking 4mg or Risperdal daily now. I am not sure that it is any better than what I was taking, but I know that I do not have patients assistance set up for it so I will not be able to continue it beyond the first month unless we can set it up soon. I cannot afford to pay for medication with all the other things for which I must pay. I have this feeling that I must soon learn to cope without the medication anyway, I know it will be hard but I have done it in the past. Those times when I was without medication were the ones when I achieved something with my life. I need to achieve again no matter what risk that entails. I must accomplish some things or give up living.

 

I am not a chicken shit, but a survivor, so I will go on. There is no way that I will allow my condition to win over me. I may have been overcome briefly in recent times, but I am not defeated. The life I live is to God not to be destroyed by some dementia. I know that I will have difficult days, but any life is subject to such. It is how we deal with the difficulty that sets us apart and shows our stamina. With the help of God I am not weak but strong and shall come into victory.

 

I did not write while I was away this time, my mind was fractured with paranoid Schizophrenic chaos and there was no putting down cognizant thought. In such a state I could not think reasonably. I am lucky to come back to some semblance of normalcy. I know right now that I am weaker than I would like. My mind has spaces that are obscured by fog, but this will improve with time I hope.

 

Hope is the thing. Without hope there is no reason to plunge forward into the next sentence. Without hope all the battles are lost, as is the war. Without hope we are all prisoners with no hope of redemption. Hope is the light that allows us to conclude there is something yet for us to say, to achieve, and to accomplish. Hope is the power that makes us continue the fight despite our losses. Hope reminds us that freedom is our legacy from generation to generation. God does not intend us to live in darkness, but loves us enough to inspire us with hope for a bright future where truth shines for our understanding.

 

I hope all of you are well and apologize for leaving so abruptly. I shall try to stay well enough to remain at home, but right now I can make no promises. I am not certain what moment to moment will hold for me. It is always that way for all of us, but just now it is less reasonable than usual for me to have any expectation of what life will be like in a second. I only hope for clarity, it is not something of which I can be certain.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by Sarah on June 19, 2005 - 5:21 pm

    I\’m glad you\’re home. I can\’t begin to understand, because when I become paranoid and obsessive it doesnt\’ get out of control. I appreciate your problems are serious, but have you tried any alternative therapies like aromatherapy or Bach flower remedies. I dunno, it might just take the edge of things. I neck Bach Rescue Remedy all the time at the moment, and have a burner which I put water in and a few drops of Bergamont, Clary Sage and Lavender aromatherapy oils in. It helps me, but then I\’m no longer medicated and haven\’t been for some time. *hugs*My thoughts are with you Jo. Keep strong *hugs*

  2. #2 by Shasta Explorer on June 19, 2005 - 5:43 pm

    Wow, what an inspirational post! I am glad you are back and happy to hear things are improving. It will not be an easy road but with a positive attitude and faith I have no doubt things will work out. I am sorry you have had to endure so much but in the process you have undoubtedly served as a role for many whom you do not yet realizeNobody knows why we have to face the obstacles we do in life and perhaps the best we can hope for is the courage to face them head on and with single-minded determination to prevail. You are doing that and should be proud of what you have already accomplished, and will continue to accomplish.I wish I had more than words of encouragement for you, but you already have the love and support of family and friends and of course the guiding hand of the lord from whom anything is possible. That is really all any of us have every needed…Thank you for sharing your experiences and the details of your amazing journey and please keep us posted as things continue to unfold. Many of us have been thinking about you and wondering how you were. It is nice to know that you are doing well!

  3. #3 by Dale on June 19, 2005 - 6:29 pm

    Thank you for sharing and stopping by to say hello! Keep posting…we all require that magical insight into ourselves that pushes back the negative and lets the positive in us flow fully. It is a back and forth swing and the longer you practice the easier it becomes to find within yourself the positive and bring it out for yourself. I still have parts of myself that I must dig up and face, in order to move on. We all will be here to encourage each other to maintain the strength we all need.Lots of **hugs**.

  4. #4 by Kim on June 19, 2005 - 7:11 pm

    Hi Jo Ann! Glad you\’re back!!! Just wanted to say hey . I\’ll read your post later. Can\’t concentrate right now. {{ }}

  5. #5 by Amy on June 19, 2005 - 8:25 pm

    Dear Jo Ann,I am glad you are home now and feeling better, even if only slightly. I do not even know what you go through. All I know is I am glad that you are a fighter and that you still have hope because without that then you have nothing. God only hands us what we can handle. It may seem so much more that it\’s overwhelming but when it passes you see that it was not as hard as you thought. I think his plan is for you to share your illness with others so as to educate us and hopefully be better people for it.I hope the program is going well for you and you get what you need from it.Take care of yourself, Jo Ann. I wish you better days.Love,Amy

  6. #6 by bren on June 19, 2005 - 9:32 pm

    Good to see you made it back home. Your post is very powerful – I have no concept of what you must struggle with moment by moment. But your words regarding \’hope\’ were delicious!

  7. #7 by Unknown on June 19, 2005 - 11:04 pm

    Hello Jo Ann,I\’m so glad that you are home! I can\’t imagine what you must have gone through. You are an amazingly courageous and tough woman. I’m so sorry that you lost some things that you valued. I hope the next weeks are much kinder to you.All the best,Rock –http://www.rskphotography.com/photoblog/

  8. #8 by Laoch on June 20, 2005 - 3:15 am

    Hi Jo. Many of us read your space and admire your courage and grace in the face of your unfortunate circumstances. We all hope that each day will find you a little clearer and a little happier. Good wishes to you.

  9. #9 by Sandi on June 20, 2005 - 7:54 am

    welcome back jo. our thoughts and prayers are with you. you do sound better. hopefully recovery will continue. b\’shalom. DC

  10. #10 by Sarah on June 20, 2005 - 9:05 am

    Welcome Home!You have no need to apoligize for leaving without telling us. Your main concern in life is to get better, we\’ll still be here!You are an amazingly strong woman, Jo! You are a fighter and that is what you need to overcome this. Just keep fighting, even on the days that you don\’t see much progress. Because over time those little accomplishments will add up!We are all still here and we are glad you are back!~Sarah

  11. #11 by Patrick on June 20, 2005 - 10:27 am

    We\’re all thinking of you Jo.

  12. #12 by Shari on June 21, 2005 - 12:56 am

    It is good to have you back! Keep going strong, girl, it sounds like you know what you need.,… I hope all becomes better for you… 🙂

  13. #13 by Reeking Havoc's Lair on June 21, 2005 - 9:35 pm

    I\’m glad you\’re back, my friend! I think it is extraordinary that you can speak so clearly and plainly about your delusions and paranoia. It says a lot about your character, which is obviously strong, and based on good values.There is one bit of delusion that needs to be dismissed, though, which is the idea that if you can muster enough strength of will you can overcome the illness. That is not the battle you should fight, because it is one that cannot be won. There is no cure for this, but there is the possibility of having a much-improved quality of life!The battle you must win is the struggle to find funding for the medicines you\’ll need to take from now on…Your allies will be the social workers and other professionals you see at the hospital, the doctor\’s office, the day program. Win them over to your cause, the way you\’ve won the hearts of so many in blog-world….

  14. #14 by _Mildred_Ratched_ on June 21, 2005 - 10:29 pm

    Your poetry is heartfelt. Thank you for sharing it. Also, I understand the difficult time you are going through. Try to be easy on yourself and remember change is a gradual thing. Be patient and build a strong support system for yourself.

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