Today was an amazing day. Sometimes I forget that God is so good to me because other things seem so out of control. I finally learned how to set my not so new now alarm clock and it woke me this morning. This was a good thing because all this time I have had this wonderfully annoying alarm and could not figure out how to set it. Now for at least awhile I have an alarm that will wake me, this will end my dependence on Mom to wake us up in the mornings.
I ate cereal, dressed and carried Alex to his job. He is working at a lawnmower repair shop. It is a good first job. Yesterday he touched a hot muffler and blistered his hand and I got upset that he was hurt, but he has to learn to take care of himself somewhere. I cannot always be there to protect him.
I went to the partial hospitalization program. I really missed this program while I was hospitalized because I had made some friends and the structure of the program is very good for me. Today I talked about my irrational thoughts and delusions. The counselors helped me come up with ways to reframe the thoughts so that they were not negative and now for the first time in years I feel like I have a way to deal with what has led to my hospitalization so many times. They said I should use affirmations like: I am a likeable person and have friends who care about me, I am a modern woman and a good person, and God loves me and I am saved by his grace. That last one is just a furtherance for the one before that I came up with on the spur of the moment here, but it relates to those delusions about being a terrible character out of the Bible. They also suggested that I use first, second, and third person saying the affirmations to help make them real for me. Also they suggested that I write them, say them, post them in prominent places, and record them to play back to myself. I am hoping that this will be effective.
Mom cooked hamburgers for supper and those were very good. I was glad she cooked so I did not have to do so. I am cooking again, not liking it, but I need to do it. Alex needs good food after working all day.
I played Bejeweled 2 a bit tonight. I did not do very well but it was relaxing. I had not done that in months. I also used Photoshop a little and did a small drawing I did not save. That program is wonderful. I cannot wait until I have some time to actually learn to use it. I have a feeling I can do miracles with that software.
Just wanted you all to know things are going better than yesterday. I did not write because I was in a mess last night. Every time I start into the negative thought patterns now I become afraid of going back in the hospital. It is very scary for me.