Sometimes I feel like a gerbil, running around and around on his wheel! I don’t seem to get anywhere fast. Even when I do manage to go somewhere there seems to be a banister between me and the real action. Whether the banister is to protect me or placed there by some insensitive person to keep me from enjoying life is a question I have not quite figured out.
I can not imagine why anyone would deny me the freedom to make my own choices, but this seems to happen frequently in my life. Especially when it comes to my love life there seem to be all sorts of obstacles to block my path to happiness. These barriers are often erected by my family. I think their objections to my wishes are due to misconceptions about my love. However, I cannot discount them as total nonsense because there have been some incidents that could adversely influence most anyone’s opinion of the man.
I tend to be forgiving because I love him, but my family has a long history of holding grudges for years. I realize people make mistakes that they later regret and do things on the spur of the moment when under the power of strong emotion like anger. This I know because I have done it myself and my temper has gotten me into trouble more than once. In fact the situation that has most turned my family against my love was begun by a fit of temper on my part. So I blame myself for some of the damage that was done. I understand.
Now over five years later it seems insensitive and foolish to continue the anger. Time should work its healing spell even over such wounds. Expecting my family to give up their hate and thirst for revenge seems to be more than they can do. Even when faced with the fact that my love for him endures and my happiness suffers because I am not allowed to spend the time I want with him they will not relent.
I am an adult and their opinions should not have such devastating consequences for me, but in my particular situation my family exerts a lot of power over me. I do not have sufficient resources to live independently and so live in one of their domiciles. This despite the fact I am forty two years old puts me under their rule. They disapprove of my relationship so there is in effect no relationship.
Money would do a great deal to alleviate the problems in my life, but due to circumstances and choices in my past I do not have the capacity to earn enough money to free me from my situation. I tend to overestimate my ability to function in the business world. I have talent and intellect, but there seems a lack of opportunity to showcase my skills.
Sometimes I think if he really loved me, as he assures me he does, that he would step in and rescue me from my situation. Then again I think that is too much to expect of him after the problems we experienced in the past. Also, I want to go to him in my own power with his respect, not feeling indebted to him. I have lived without respect and personal power too long already. Still having him as my knight in shining armor has an allure and it would make the way much easier.
If anyone is interested in the details behind this bit of musing I could elaborate in future entries. There is quite a story behind all this, but I do not wish to bore those who still visit here. I post this as a creative exercise in lieu of the poem I am yet to create. Somehow my passion seems engrossed in this particular part of my life right now. When one cannot have what is most desired it tends to cause disruption to the fount of inspiration.