Misgivings…

 

I had a training class today by phone for my new job. I really am not sure I can do this. I have to take directions so the representatives can get to the houses and I am no good at directions. I have been having second and third thoughts about taking this position. I do not think I will be very good at it.

 

I was talking to my mom about my doubts and she said that I tended to be that way about everything, but usually I wound up doing fine. I think my lack of self-confidence is one of the reasons I have not accomplished more in my life. I just cannot seem to believe in myself. I try to do it, but most of the time I do not achieve it.

 

I have a very low opinion of myself. I think this is fed by all the negativity I encounter in people who I respect like my brother James. I know my self-esteem suffers because of the bullying that was heaped on me as a child and teen. Most of my relationships as an adult have not been very positive experiences. I tend to see myself as a failure. I think having schizoaffective disorder has a lot to do with my feelings about myself too. I feel inferior because I have a damn mental illness. If I were good, there would be nothing wrong with me. So my reasoning goes anyway, and I have people in my life who reinforce the belief that I am not good enough to be respected as a worthwhile person. My brother maintains that I am lazy and stupid or I would pull my bootstraps up and succeed at something. He does not see anything I do as being valuable. I wish it did not matter to me what he says, but it has a great deal of influence on me and to be honest I am not sure why I care. I think it has to do with the fact that James was my hero for many years. I still believe he is worthy of my utmost respect. It hurts me that his estimation of me is so low.

 

Sorry to be so depressing. Writing out what I am feeling sometimes seems to help and this is my journal. I hope that I will have something more positive to say in my next entry.

 

Smiles,

Jo Ann

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  1. #1 by Shari on January 21, 2006 - 3:15 am

    It\’s sad to have someone you respect degrade you or try to humiliate you… But on the other hand does someone who would be willing to degrade you worthy of your respect? My dad and I had issues for several years because I just wasn\’t the person he wanted me to be. When I was in college, he thought I should start working full time and quit school. When I did quit school and start working full time, he degraded me because I wasn\’t working toward a degree. I always felt that no matter what I did, it would be wrong. I wasn\’t in good enough shape. Granted, I was an athlete and could lift hundreds of pounds. We would go to powerlifting competitions and no matter how much I lifted, he said he was disappointed because I should have been able to lift more. I didn\’t have enough money. Granted, I was working 3 jobs and couldn\’t make ends meet. However, in the last couple of years, I would have to say that he has really come around, and he really seems to be uplifting rather than degrading. I like this guy alot better, and it\’s actually fun to hang around him. I hope that someday you experience the same …. and if not, I hope that you come to realize that no matter what he thinks, you are intrinsically valuable … you have motivation … you have dreams. Don\’t let anyone kill that. Have a good weekend!

  2. #2 by Beth on January 21, 2006 - 8:15 am

    Good Morning Jo AnnLet me begin by thanking you for dropping by my space and leaving a comment. I really appreciated it.Now, to the business at hand. Stop thinking right now that you are inferior because you have problems. You ARE not!! You can be or do whatever you want. I have two good friends who are bi-polar. With the proper meds they have turned their lives around and are happy and well-adjusted. Please talk to a doctor about your feelings. Seems to me like your brother could use some counseling too.Please try. I just said a prayer hoping for better things to come for you.

  3. #3 by deadites on January 21, 2006 - 8:35 am

    It\’s very hard to build up self-confidence so don\’t be so hard on yourself. I\’d listen to your Mom who said you do just fine! 😉

  4. #4 by Kar on January 21, 2006 - 9:16 am

    Jo Ann thanks for the birthday wishes.karhar out

  5. #5 by Jo Ann on January 21, 2006 - 12:37 pm

    Shar, I am glad your dad came around and is supportive of you now. I hope that my brother will have a change of heart about me. He has lung cancer, in remission now, but I often wonder how much time we have to mend our relationship. I love him so much and just wish we got along. I try to remember I am valuable, but it is difficult sometimes. Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. That means a lot.Beth, I liked your space a lot and will be visiting again. Congratulations on making the "Best Of Spaces". I will try to be more positive, sometimes the feelings of inferiority just get the best of me. When I try anything new there is always a time of doubting. My brother does not believe in counseling though I think it would be very good for him. Thank you for the prayer, I need that.Erin, my mom has a lot of faith in me. I will try not to be hard on myself. Self-confidence is something I have to work on developing.Karhar, I hope you had a Happy Birthday.Smiles,Jo Ann

  6. #6 by Ðêvíü§ñMë®îø§S on January 21, 2006 - 3:14 pm

    Hi Jo AnnI\’m just in the midst of making a sweet lil blog for all my fellow birthday crashers =)Thanks for being a part and making it work ..Loads of LoveLaura

  7. #7 by Kim on January 21, 2006 - 10:51 pm

    Hi Jo Ann,Seems we have something in common… the part of the brother (mine is the eldest of 5) not giving us credit for who we are and that taking us down a couple notches on the self esteem issue and the low self opinion. I wanted my brother to love me for me, no questions asked, but he prefered to disrupt my days by making me feel less important than him. Its a hard factor to get over. I wanted him to approve of me so much and it still has never happened. He still won\’t look me in my face and talk to me if he decides to talk to me at all. Sad. His loss. I have 3 other brothers who think the world of me. I had to realize the fact that I wasn\’t the things he told me I was before he said it and I\’m still not all those things he thinks I am. I feel sorry for him. He\’s the one whos lost and missing out on a great relationship. I love him more than he\’ll ever know because he won\’t take the time to find out. Maybe one day…Hope you\’re having a wonderful weekend!Kim

  8. #8 by Reeking Havoc's Lair on January 22, 2006 - 9:16 am

    I\’m betting that you\’ll do fine, so long as you make sure to never miss a dose of your psych meds, and never miss a followup appointment. You clearly have the brainpower to do the job, no question…I used to work for a research scientist who had a mental illness, bipolar disorder. He took his meds and had a good quality of life, doing productive work, and publishing in journals.Even then, he would relapse and need hospitalization about every 18 months or so…Without sugarcoating a difficult situation, it\’s still fair to say that a mental illness doesn\’t have to be an insurmountable barrier to finding some satisfactions.Maybe your family is trying to help you rein yourself in from getting hyper when they say negative things. Maybe they don\’t know how to do that without talking negative…I can\’t be the one to say that for sure, \’cause I\’m not there to see and hear. But it\’s a possibility…Anyhow, here\’s my friendly finger wagging…"Take your meds!"

  9. #9 by HisLove on January 22, 2006 - 1:16 pm

    Thank you Jo Ann for the wish and for your thoughts on my birhtday…I really appreciate it thank you…..Lalane

  10. #10 by Jo Ann on January 22, 2006 - 2:28 pm

    Laura, I think it is a neat idea making a birthday space. I will try to check in there and wish others a Happy Birthday as time allows.Kim, I am sorry you have a brother like that. We do have something in common in that way. My brother James is the oldest of the three children of my parents. My other brother has nothing to do with any of us because he has unresolved issues. I hope maybe your brother will come around.RH, I take my meds and go for my appointments as required. I just don\’t know if this is the job for me. I hope I will not relapse for many years to come. I had gone years between hospitalizations before the last ones. I manage to have a pretty good life despite my illness… I just feel inferior sometimes. My brother\’s negativity toward me has nothing to do with trying to keep me from getting hyper. His negative talk has to do with my basic value as a human being. He is simply cruel to me. He has been this way for years. I don\’t measure up to his standards so I am useless.Lalane, I hope you had a great day. I wish you the best in the coming year.Smiles,Jo Ann

  11. #11 by Stephen on January 23, 2006 - 12:36 pm

    JoAnn -Again, you are quite brave for taking on such a personal battle on your blog. Expressing what your thinking is paramount to your own understanding of yourself – plus it\’s not eating you up inside so much as it\’s been released to some extent. I too battle self-esteem issues because of my Bipolar Disorder, I\’ve run into similar problems within my family as you have. I think people are sometimes quick to judge people for things they have no control over. You didn\’t choose your illness, neither did I … they choose us. If someone can\’t respect and treat you like you wish to be treated, then perhaps they need to step away from your life until they can GROW UP!Love you for who and what you are, screw others opinions … your opinion is the one you need to worry about at the end of the day.Be strong my friend,Stephen

  12. #12 by barbara on January 23, 2006 - 2:39 pm

    I am glad that you are writing down your feelings. You see what you say then you also see how you reason some of it out. Your poor brother, he is the one who is to be pitied. Instead of giving love and support he is turing off love. He is so cold inside himself. How sad. You are such a warm person. He is missing that. You should do this job, you know. As others have said, (including your Mom) you will do fine cause you rise up to the situation. However, take comfort that even if it dosen\’t go well, it is a learning situation. Learn buy doing. Do it! Whatever comes, you will benefit by it.

  13. #13 by Jiaru on January 24, 2006 - 4:20 am

    Hello,I\’m a girl from China.I just saw the movie named"The Chronicles of Narnia".So I happened to go into your space.哈哈,my English isn"t very well,but I am still very happy to be one of your friends.About 5 days later,our spring festival will come,and I give my best wishes for you and your friends.身体健康,新年行大运!!

  14. #14 by TIM on January 25, 2006 - 7:46 am

    ello whoeva u are,,i was looking through ur foto thing on ur art,,n i noticed that u had a foto of the american flag….*cough cough* ….hardly art…if it was art then id say it represents stupidity fukfacedness… no offence,,but i dont take a great liking toward america,,sorry but i just think it is a fuked place..the war in iraq,,how is it justified??? i dont think that 80 innocent lives a day are worth it,,its good that theyve got democracy n the evil dudes gone,,but was it worth it??? n why keep ur troops in there??? bush is just making america an even bigger target for terrorism,, i saw on the news the otha day that uz received a peace treaty kinda thing,,n i was sikened to hear that they declined an offer of peacewar is never justifiedamerica,,tisk tisk tisk

  15. #15 by Jo Ann on January 27, 2006 - 8:48 pm

    Stephen, thanks for all the kind words. I don\’t think I am brave. I just write the truth as I see it. I cannot help but think that its better to write it down than keep it bottled up inside. I guess all families have issues and especially those that contain members with mental illness. I think a lot of people simply do not know how to deal with such a person. It is hard for them to relate. I keep hoping my brother will someday come to understand, but realize it is doubtful. I try to be strong… it is just hard sometimes.
     
    Barbie, my brother does not see what he is losing as anything of worth. Plus, I guess the fact that I still love him in spite of his harshness does not make him want to change. I decided not to start the job right now. Maybe later, but for right now there is too much going on at home to do it. Mom is very sick and I am having to carry her to doctors and tests and such.
     
    Coolrens, welcome. I hope you will visit again in the future.
     
    Timmy, I am sorry you have such a perverted sense of what qualifies as art. I don\’t know where you live, but your opinion of America is deplorable. Not all Americans agree with the war in Iraq, but most agree that our troops deserve our support. My son will be in the United States Marine Corps after this school year ends and we love our country. Your disrespect is noted, but hardly changes anything. Honor and loyalty are still foremost in my mind and heart.
     
    Smiles,
    Jo Ann

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