I had a training class today by phone for my new job. I really am not sure I can do this. I have to take directions so the representatives can get to the houses and I am no good at directions. I have been having second and third thoughts about taking this position. I do not think I will be very good at it.
I was talking to my mom about my doubts and she said that I tended to be that way about everything, but usually I wound up doing fine. I think my lack of self-confidence is one of the reasons I have not accomplished more in my life. I just cannot seem to believe in myself. I try to do it, but most of the time I do not achieve it.
I have a very low opinion of myself. I think this is fed by all the negativity I encounter in people who I respect like my brother James. I know my self-esteem suffers because of the bullying that was heaped on me as a child and teen. Most of my relationships as an adult have not been very positive experiences. I tend to see myself as a failure. I think having schizoaffective disorder has a lot to do with my feelings about myself too. I feel inferior because I have a damn mental illness. If I were good, there would be nothing wrong with me. So my reasoning goes anyway, and I have people in my life who reinforce the belief that I am not good enough to be respected as a worthwhile person. My brother maintains that I am lazy and stupid or I would pull my bootstraps up and succeed at something. He does not see anything I do as being valuable. I wish it did not matter to me what he says, but it has a great deal of influence on me and to be honest I am not sure why I care. I think it has to do with the fact that James was my hero for many years. I still believe he is worthy of my utmost respect. It hurts me that his estimation of me is so low.
Sorry to be so depressing. Writing out what I am feeling sometimes seems to help and this is my journal. I hope that I will have something more positive to say in my next entry.