Archive for February, 2006
Things have been quite busy since I last posted an entry here. I had appointments every day for one week and several days of the next one. I had my MRI and sonogram, should get the results of both early this coming week.
My counselor of several years has moved into another practice and so I cannot see her anymore. I had been seeing her pro bono. Now I will have to pay the new counselor I will be seeing and I honestly don’t think I can afford it. I may only see her every three months. This will be quite a change for me as I was seeing my counselor bi-weekly or at least monthly. I hope it will work out okay.
I did get my taxes done and filed electronically and I have already gotten the refunds. I had to use part of the money for a new all-in-one because the red print head had gone out on mine. Even after I replaced the print cartridge, it would not work.
Last Sunday I saw my love again. We spent all day together. It was very sweet. He cooked lunch for me and it was absolutely delicious. He laid out the ground rules for living in his house, which I took to mean he is thinking of me moving back as a permanent part of his life. This makes me very happy.
When I got home, Mom told me that James knows I am seeing Jeff. He has known for a month or so. He is waiting for Alex to leave before he does something about it. I emailed Jeff to let him know but he has been out of town this week. We are not getting to communicate much because he does not have internet access. He did get my email belatedly and will be thinking about what it means for us. He won’t be back in town until February 27th or later.
I finished reading Quicksilver by Neal Stephenson, which was a very good historical novel. I began reading the second book in the Baroque Cycle called The Confusion. The only bad thing about these books is that they are extremely long.
I took time to read Recovered, not cured by Richard McLean. This book about Schizophrenia by a Schizophrenic was very good. I have experienced some of the things that were written about in the book. I think for someone wanting to learn about the experience of suffering with Schizophrenia that this would be a good book to give some insight.
Alex will be going in the Marines on June 6th. He decided not to postpone his entry because he might lose his slot as a MP. I am not looking forward to his leaving so soon after he graduates, but I have no control over the situation.
I hope that I can tell Alex about my seeing Jeff and that he will accept it. He loved Jeff as if he were his Dad at one point, but he despises him now. I would be so pleased if he could look at the situation as one that makes me happy and be understanding.
Alex’s father called last night and talked to me a rather long time. It was interesting at the end because he wanted to know how I felt about him. He wants me to come visit him. I told him that was not possible.
I have this thing where all my exes still care about me. I don’t really understand it, but I guess it stems from the fact I have never hated them. In some way, there has always been a lot of love left for them.
I am looking forward to the next time I see my love, Jeff.
Today started out promising to be a wonderful day. I got up at 8:00am, which is early for a Saturday morning. I had plans though so it was no problem. I got dressed in something a little bit special and put on make-up which I hardly ever wear. Mom knew where I was going, but Alex was left in the dark because he does not approve. It makes me nervous to hide things from Alex, but I cannot give up seeing this man because of him. At 9:00, I left the house. I drove with nothing on my mind except seeing my love. Traffic was moving well so I made it to our meeting place early. He was there waiting for me.
I was so happy to see him. It had been over a month since we last saw one another. Every time we meet is a stolen moment in time. I have to hide the time for which I live. We got out of our vehicles, hugged each other tight, and kissed hungrily. I told him that I loved him and he said the same to me. We got into his truck and left the parking lot. We conversed as we drove to his house. There is always so much I want to say and so little time to say it.
We got to the house and as usual, I felt it was a miracle just being there with him. We hugged and kissed passionately again. We spent the next hour and a half enjoying each other. He took some pictures of me for when I was not there to be with him with his new Nikon digital camera. He showed me some of the things he had ordered for me for the next time we are together. We told each other "I love you" several times.
We went out for lunch. The restaurant was busy and noisy so we could not talk much, plus his boss kept emailing him on his Blackberry while we were out. When we got in the truck his boss called him. The network was down at the office and he had to go in to fix a router. He is the network administrator and handles all the hardware at the office so he is on call at all times. Our time together was cut short. We shared a few more hugs and kisses and our regrets that we would not get to spend the rest of the day together. It is good that I don’t cry whenever I am sad or tears would have come when we parted with "I love you."
As I drove away, my heart was heavy. Being away from him is so hard when once we were so rarely separated. I only wish we could enjoy that level of intimacy again, but the time is not yet. When we are apart, I wonder if our time will ever come again. I know my love for him and know he loves me, but I do not know if he will be willing to gamble on us permanently once more. With my family so against him being a part of my life it is very hard. We do not have the luxury of a normal relationship seeing each other whenever we like. I cannot invite him to my house and I cannot stay with him overnight. However, if we make it through this I think our relationship will be stronger.
When I got back to my town, I stopped at Sam’s Club and looked around a bit. I am thinking about buying tax software so that I can file electronically since it looks like I might get quite a refund back. I hate to spend money on the software when I can fill out my own return, but I do not know how to file electronically without some sort of software. It seems like they would have a way to file electronically free for those of us who are poor.
I got home so early that my mother thought that something was wrong. She wanted to know if I was telling the truth when I told her what had happened. I had to explain it to her fully, and then she understood. I am so glad she decided she would keep my secret from Alex and my brother, James. I am afraid of both their reactions if they knew I was seeing my love again.
I just wish the part of the day I spent with my love had lasted longer, but I am grateful for the time we had together. Maybe next time we will get to share a whole day.
I read all the blogs on my lists. I have spent the evening trying to stay busy.
Mom had her test today at the hospital. The doctor said he did not see anything seriously wrong, but he did take biopsies. We should get test results in a week or two. I tend to think that there is nothing new wrong. Her doctor put her back on Reglan which has helped her in the past. The only bad thing about that medication is that it can cause her Parkinson’s tremors to be worse.
I nearly passed out at the hospital. When they took the IV out of Mom’s arm it bled a lot because she takes a blood thinner. I watched as they replaced the gauze because it was saturated and then the blood just poured out of her vein and I got woozy. I had to go sit out in the waiting room instead of staying in recovery with Mom. I just cannot handle heavy flowing blood. Skins, scrapes, and small cuts are okay, but not where copious amounts of blood flow. I even have to turn away when they draw blood from me, this is why I don’t donate blood. I would pass out for sure.
We ate at Cracker Barrel. I had a breakfast plate and Mom had a sandwich meal. We next went to Sam’s Club to pick up her medicine and my two prescriptions. Then we did our grocery shopping at Wal-Mart. I was so glad when we finished with that. I really hate to go to Wal-Mart.
When we got home there was a note on the door saying that my monitor had been left in the barn. I was surprised that UPS would leave something as expensive as a monitor outside. I would have thought they would deliver it tomorrow since we were not home. No harm done, just surprising. I guess they thought with us living in as secluded a spot as we do that it would be okay.
After I put the groceries away I unpacked the monitor. It is just like the one I had, only it is a reconditioned unit. I was not happy that it was reconditioned so I called the warranty company to see if it would be covered like a new one would. They said yes, so I guess it is okay. I unhooked the little spare monitor I had borrowed from Alex and carried it back to his room. Then I hooked the "new" monitor up to my machine. I am glad to have a 19 inch flat panel display that works at a higher resolution again. 800 by 600 just does not cut it anymore and 14 inches is ridiculously small. I admit I am spoiled.
Sunday night I started reading Quicksilver by Neal Stephenson. This is the first of three novels in the Baroque Cycle. I have had it since when it was first published, but just never got around to reading it. I have the other two in the series too, so I will be tied up with reading these extremely long novels for a while. I am really enjoying this one so far. I thought I would get a lot of reading done today while Mom was having her test, but it did not take as long as I was led to expect.
I talked to Alex’s recruiter this evening. Alex is scheduled to enter the Marines on June 6, which is 6/6/06 and I don’t like that date. Call me superstitious if you will, but it just seems like an inauspicious date to go into something already fraught with danger. Anyway, when I signed for him to enter the Marines I was told that he would not be going in until sometime in August. I want him to have a little summer break before he goes in. Hopefully, they will reschedule him.
I have to have a MRI of my brain. This is to check my pituitary gland, evidently my hormone level for prolactin is way out of the normal range. This high reading could be because of my anti-psychotic medication or something could be screwy with my brain… anyway they want to find out. I am not crazy about having the test done, but I suppose there is no way round it. I would be curious to find out if the rest of my brain looks normal. Maybe I can get my psychiatrist to read the test as well. It has been many years since I had a MRI and my understanding is that schizophrenia deteriorates the brain . This is supposed to be visible in a MRI, so I wonder about it.
Well, that is all I have to say right now. I hope all is well with each of you.