Archive for October, 2009
Creative Journal – Entry Twenty – Cravings
Saturday, October 31, 2009
I crave knowledge, for this reason I read avidly. I read all different types of books to gain understanding of humanity and the world I live in. I crave wisdom so I read the Bible and listen closely to my elders. I crave inspiration so I read books that encourage me to create. I especially like books with prompts or questions, these often give me ideas about which to write. I crave peace, so I try to live in harmony with others. I do not purposely agitate others, but try always to be kind. I crave honesty, so I am honest with those with whom I connect. I crave simplicity; I do not complicate my life. I crave balance between the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual facets of my life. I devote time to these parts of myself daily. I crave comfort, so I try to avoid things that upset me. I try to live in a relaxed state of mind.
I crave chocolate, but I do not give in to the craving daily as that would cause weight gain and I crave weight loss. I try to substitute fruits for this overwhelming craving, but sometimes I break down, give in, and eat chocolate. It is delicious and nothing else can fill me when I crave it desperately.
I crave beauty so I often buy things I find attractive. I collect all kinds of beautiful things and things used to create beauty. My collections include blank books, ink pens, clothes, CDs, bookmarks, jewelry, canvas, paints, brushes, colored pencils, gel pens, paper, rubber stamps, beads, findings, scrapbooks, writing books, art books, software, cameras, and all manner of other beautiful things.
I crave friendship so I try to be a good friend. I give encouragement to people with whom I am acquainted. I give gifts to those for whom I care. I share my time and talents with those who I wish to become my friends. I am kind and generous.
I crave understanding so I am honest and open with people. I do not hide behind a façade. I am real.
I crave companionship with Hope. I make an effort to bond with her through exercise, discipline, and affection.
I crave a lasting relationship with a man, but this is not my destiny at this time in my life so I am content with being single. I love myself enough to realize I am complete without a man in my life.
I crave more time, but since this is not possible, I attempt to live every moment to its fullest potential. I fill my time with worthwhile pursuits and try not to waste a moment that is given to me. I try to fill my life with love, by caring for those I meet.
I crave success, so I work at making the most of my gifts and talents. I always try to develop and refine my skills in ways that will appeal to others. I challenge myself to do my best.
Creative Journal – Entry Nineteen – “Enough”
Friday, October 30, 2009
Other than money, I have enough or almost everything. It would be nice to have more money, enough to pay off my debt to my Mom. If I had enough money I could have regular dental appointments and buy contacts more often than once every five years for contacts that are only designed to last a year.
I have enough clothes, although if I continue losing weight I may need some smaller clothes. I will try to wear what I have as long as I can. I am fortunate to have enough food every day. I do not have to go without meals. I have more than enough books, but I still like to buy a new one occasionally. Books are something to which I am addicted. I have more than enough ink pens. I have been collecting pens for years. I love beautiful stylish pens. I have more than enough blank books. I collect journals and sketch books. I rarely use any of these books so they take up space on the shelves in my room. I have enough greeting cards and blank note cards to open a shop. I collect these too, and I do not send as many cards as I once did. I did not get enough response from sending cards to encourage me to continue. I have enough rubber stamps. There is a long tote full of them under my bed. I rarely use them because I do not have enough room to get them out from storage. I have enough CD’s, but occasionally I like to add to my collection. I have almost forty gigabytes of music on my iPod, all copied from CDs.
I do not have enough patience. I can get irritated when things do not go as I would like. I would love to develop enough patience. I need more control over my voice. Sometimes when I do not mean any harm, my mother says I am yelling at her. I need enough awareness to modulate my volume before I upset my Mom. She has had enough of my yelling at her and is threatening to stop letting me do anything for her. I do not mean to yell, I love her enough I never want to yell at her. Her reaction is enough to upset me a great deal.
I wish I had enough time to do all the reading I would like to do. I lack enough time to write as much as I would like. I do not have enough inspiration to write very creatively. I do not have enough dedication to accomplish all I would like with my writing. I am afraid to submit my writing for publication because I do not think it is good enough to convince someone to publish it.
I do not have enough self-confidence and self-esteem. I have tried to develop these qualities, but I have enough unpleasantness in my past to undermine my efforts. I do not have enough friends, because I am afraid to approach new people. I do not feel comfortable around strangers.
I have enough love to share with my friends and family. I try to give enough encouragement to others that it makes a difference in their lives.
I think I have written enough for now.
Creative Journal – Entry Eighteen – Desires
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Desires lead me to dissatisfaction, so I do not often reflect on them. Desires cause temptation and usually that is not a good thing.
I desire enough money to pay off my debts and have a bit left over to do things I would enjoy. I desire a man in my life that would be willing to see past my disability. I would like him to be able to care for my Mom and understand that I cannot leave her. I desire inspiration to come to me so that I can write more creatively. I desire more patience so I am better able to relate to others. I desire understanding from others so that we do not argue. I desire more sunny days so Hope and I can walk. I desire the ability to read faster so I can complete more books. I desire better typing skills so that I can type faster with fewer mistakes. I desire safety for Alex. I desire more time with my friend Reba, not just phone time, but in person. I desire more space for all my things so there is not so much clutter. I desire years to share with my Mom because I love her dearly. I desire a closer relationship with God. I desire to lose more weight so that I am healthier. I desire someone to mow the yard so I do not have to work so hard at doing it. I desire a real vacation where I can get away from all my responsibilities for a few days, which I have not done in over ten years. I desire more time for writing, reading, drawing, painting, computing, photography, and crafting. I desire a more outgoing personality so that I make friends more easily. I desire more close friends. I desire getting out of the house for enjoyment more often. I desire more courage and confidence. I desire the money for contacts and dental appointments. I desire more compassion and empathy so I relate to others in kinder ways. I desire more understanding so I am friendlier. I desire a more loving disposition. I desire a stronger character. I desire more beauty in my life to lift my spirits. I desire some work be done on my Buick to fix its air conditioner and some other minor problems. I desire the ability to explain things more clearly for better communication. I desire to learn better culinary skills. I desire to be less a perfectionist. I desire more self-esteem. I desire more clarity of mind. I desire more awareness of the volume of my voice so I do not speak loudly. I desire a better attitude toward challenges and change. I desire more problem solving skills. I desire more education. I desire the discipline to stick with a project until I finish it. I desire more honesty from others and myself. I desire less fear of failure. I desire more tolerance of mistakes. I desire to meet some of friends from online. I desire peace and tranquility in my daily life. I desire an iPod that works better. I desire less pain in my neck, back, and legs. I desire more energy. I desire the ability to fulfill my desires.
1. I am thankful Alex sent me an email Tuesday.
2. I am thankful Mom is enjoying her time away with June.
3. I am thankful the weather was nice so that Hope and I were able to walk today.
4. I am thankful a new ink cartridge seems to have fixed my printer’s problem.
5. I am thankful I checked out several interesting books from the library yesterday.
6. I am thankful we have a Kirby vacuum cleaner.
7. I am thankful the electricity has not gone out during the storms we have had.
8. I am thankful I have an iPod.
9. I am thankful Richard and I talked today, and he had a good birthday.
10. I am thankful I have started posting journal entries to my blog.
Mom got home last Thursday at about 2:00pm. I was very glad to see her. We talked about Ko-Ko having mats in her coat and decided to see if we could get an appointment with the groomer. I called the groomer and she said she could take her Friday morning at 11:00am.
Friday morning we took Ko-Ko to Pet Set to have her cut. We went to Sam’s while we were in town and picked up a few things. I bought Barbara Streisand’s CD Love Is The Answer and Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger. I probably will not read this book for a while because I have many good new library books to read. We drove home because we had perishable foods. We put the food away and I computed some. I called the groomer to see if Ko-Ko was ready and she was. We drove back to town and picked Ko-Ko up. Mom almost did not recognize her because she looked so different sheared. We went home and relaxed the rest of the day.
On Sunday, I took pictures of Ko-Ko with her new haircut and tried to print them. One of my ink cartridges was malfunctioning so I could not print. Mom left with June at 5:00pm to go to Lil’s house and stay for some days. I was happy to have the house to myself again.
I read, computed, walked Hope and just enjoyed the solitude Monday. Jeremy came by with hooks and eyes to go on the pump house door. He and I talked a while. He told me to tell Mom that she could go look for a storage building. He went out and looked in the one we have and said we could get rid of a lot of the stuff in it, particularly my books. I did not agree.
Tuesday, I tried to get some of my other blogs and my group on Multiply up to speed. My group transferred from MSN Groups and it has been a mess ever since. I wanted to see if I could make it better. I accomplished little and I got another ID on Multiply because the one that was made when the group transferred is a mess. I cannot remember it because it is wrong. I did some reading and made smoothies. I emailed Alex and he responded. I was so glad to hear from him. He has decided to try to get into the equivalent of JAG in the Marine Corps when he comes home. I hope he can make this transfer of occupations. He still thinks he is coming home in November. I am looking forward to it, but am not getting my hopes too high.
This morning I woke a little later than I have been at 7:40. I ate a Moon Pie and started working on the Multiply group site and my two Multiply IDs. I changed the email addresses around on the IDs and I was finally able to figure out how to put the logo for Original Creations back on the welcome page. I went to the chiropractor. While there, I realized I had left Ko-Ko out of the crate loose in the house. This worried me so I rushed to Cartridge World and got a new cartridge for my printer. I went from there to the library and returned several books. I also picked up some new books. Because I went in the Buick, I had to get gas at Texaco. Unfortunately, the gas gage on my Buick does not work so I have to be very careful to keep it filled up. It only took 6.85 gallons so I could have waited, but now there is peace about it for a while. When I came home, I found Ko-Ko was fine and had not destroyed anything in the house.
I have read several books since I reported on what I was reading. I have been adding them on Goodreads.com and just have not mentioned them here. Breaking the Rules by Barbara Taylor Bradford was a very good book. It was centered on the fashion industry and the lives of a family. The Year of the Flood by Margaret Atwood was an end of the world as we know it tale with very good characterization and an interesting plot. I enjoyed it. Homer & Langley by E. L. Doctorow was the tale of two brothers based on real life. It was at times sad and then hilarious. I loved it. Intervention by Robin Cook was extremely interesting. It made me ask my chiropractor today if there were many incidents of injury due to chiropractic adjustment. It was a wide-ranging tale and I greatly enjoyed it. Losing It by Valerie Bertinelli was the story of her life as she maintains her weight loss. It was inspiring.
I am journaling every day. It is a joy to be writing again.
Well that is about all for now. I hope everyone is doing well.
Creative Journal – Entry Seventeen – Values
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
I shop for good values, mostly buying what is on sale to save a bit of money. J
Values dictate the way I live. I do my best to live up to high standards. I believe in honesty and integrity and try to live within the confines of these values. I believe in treating others as I want to be treated and think of this whenever I interact with people. I value love and respect for all people. I do not believe in being narrow minded and judgmental. I believe in taking good care of my elders, after all they took care of me. I believe in giving children lavish amounts of love. I believe in the dignity of all people, creatures, and living things. All sentient beings deserve to be treated well and with kindness. I am patriotic and love my country. I believe the United States is the best country in which to live. Sure, there are problems here as anywhere. However, nowhere else do people enjoy the freedoms we as a nation enjoy. I believe government by the people, for the people, is the basis of our country’s greatness. I believe in God and that I should try to do things that are pleasing to Him, not out of fear of punishment, but out of overwhelming love. I value my friends and loved ones because they are dear to me and I want the best for them. I value marriage as a sacred trust between two people who wish to spend what remains of their lives together.
I value creativity as a form of expression and interaction with the world. Everything is enhanced when dealt with creatively. I value writing as an artful form of communication. I believe all people should be educated to read and write so they can deal with the world intelligently and gather knowledge. I believe books are very important and should be protected because they impart knowledge to those who read them. I value artistic endeavors because they express the heart of a person. I believe everyone has creative gifts and that the expression of these gifts makes our world a better place in which to live. I value teachers for the gift of education that they share. I believe teachers should be revered because without them all of us would suffer great loss. I believe that art and music should be accessible to everyone because they soothe the soul. I believe that hard work should be rewarded in all types of pursuits. Whatever work I do I always attempt to make the best of it. I value good service and good attitude, because it is so easy to fall into complacency and do a poor job.
Life has value and should be treasured. All lives are worth protecting. No matter a person’s station in life, he or she is valuable.
Creative Journal – Entry Sixteen – Death
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Every moment rushing by ushers me nearer my certain death. I do not fear the ending of my life here on earth, for I am assured a place in Heaven afterward. Yet, I do not wish to leave those who are dear to me behind. I try to be careful so that I may prolong my life on this plane of existence. Death is not something I would choose at this time. I want to live and enjoy the happiness of life.
I have faced death many times. We are close acquaintances, but we are not friends. Most recently I watched as day-by-day death crept closer to my brother, James. Because of his dire sufferings, I counted his death a blessing, for I could not continue watching him slip further away from his vital life. My brother was an active man always doing something, going somewhere. Being reduced to daily pain was no life for such a man. Death finally claimed him by way of cancer, a terrible wasting away.
My nephew, Jim, was taken too soon by death in an auto accident. He was only twenty-six in January 1996 when he was killed. It was a blow to the whole family. Jim was greatly beloved. It seems his death was too much for my Dad to bear, for within ten days he also died. An aneurysm in his aorta burst and caused his death. Death freed me of my father, but I felt great pity for my mother and brother. I did not take the two deaths so quickly well; I slipped away from reality and had a breakdown.
My next encounter with death was when I lost my twins in 2000. That was a horrible blow and made me even more aware how fragile life is.
Death has taught me to treasure life and live it more fully. I do not miss any opportunity to tell those who are dear to me that I love them. I make an effort to show my love any way I can. Life is brief and any time could be the last I share with a loved one. I do not take the days and moments for granted. I try to maximize the value of each second. I live always with the presence of death one step behind. I pray to God that He will spare me any more deaths of dear ones for some long time.
My Mom is eighty and her health is not good so I worry death may call and claim her any time, but I hope it is not so. She is very dear to me and I am loath to lose her. With Alex in Iraq, I am concerned for his safety. These two people mean the world to me and I do not know how I would go on without either of them. May death stay far from us all.
Creative Journal – Entry Fifteen – Purpose
Monday, October 26, 2009
I have a purpose. I know I do, I just do not know what it is. J
One purpose I have is taking care of my Mom. I have been doing this for years, but now that James is gone, I have more responsibility. I promised James I would take good care of Mom and that is a sacred promise I must keep.
I have the purpose of being a loving mother to Alex. My role is changing as he moves closer to his girlfriend and further from me, but I must still be a supportive of him. It is difficult allowing his freedom without complaining about his lack of communication, but I must try not to feel abandoned.
I have the purpose of caring for Hope who is such a pleasure to me. I try to give her proper exercise and keep her happy. I also do a good bit of care for Penny and Ko-Ko, who are Mom’s puppy dogs. I have to give Penny medicine three times daily because she has congestive heart failure. She is eleven years old and requires extra care.
It is my purpose to try to show love to others in the world. I try to smile and be considerate of people I meet. I give encouragement to whomever I can. I am a good friend to those who are my friends.
Another of my purposes is to use my creativity in ways that might one day mean something. I try to improve my writing so that I can communicate more efficiently. I pursue artistic endeavors and attempt to improve my skills. I make an effort to bring beauty into the world. I share my gifts and talents that others may find pleasure in them.
Purpose is a word loaded with weight and meaning. Everything I do has purpose, but some things are less important than others are. I try to live my life to fulfill the purpose of showing care for people, creatures, and things in the world. It seems to me that the highest purpose is to live in loving harmony with everyone and everything. If I fulfill this purpose, my life has not been wasted even should I not achieve worldly success.
Creative Journal – Entry Fourteen – Confidence
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Confidence gives me the strength to do things I once thought impossible. I do not have very much self-confidence at times. People can intimidate me easily. I work toward being more confident regularly. I have found believing in myself often depends on my feelings about myself. If I feel good, I am more likely to exhibit self-confidence. My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being influence my level of confidence. It is truly an integrated quality. If any one of these parts of my make-up is malfunctioning my self-confidence suffers. Doubt, feelings of guilt, or shame can seriously undermine my self-confidence.
My confidence is fragile and somewhat dependent on the opinions of others. If someone reacts toward me in a negative way, I often lose confidence. I try to project a good self-image, but I am in reality weak in this regard. I often feel insignificant, less than intelligent, unattractive, unlovable, mentally and emotionally unstable. A look or tone of voice can shatter my self-confidence.
My mother left with her best friend, June, again this afternoon. I called to be sure that they had reached their destination safely. Mom hurried off the phone and I wonder if she is mad at me for some reason. If I were as confident as I should be, I would not worry; I would simply think she is busy with her friends. She might have been watching one of her favorite television shows, but my first thought was that she is angry with me. I will not feel at peace until I hear from her again. I frequently experience this lack of confidence. I am often afraid I have done or said the wrong thing. Even with Mom who I know loves me very much I can become unconfident. She has the power to totally wreck my self-esteem. I know she means me no harm, but her perceived displeasure still frightens me.
I think the lack of confidence keeps me from achieving some of my dreams. I realize I am gifted, but do not see myself as talented enough to become what I wish. I am terribly afraid of making mistakes that will make others think badly of me. I know this limits me, but my perfectionism keeps me from accomplishing much of what I hope to do. By not putting my work out for review, I protect myself from rejection. I am attempting to overcome these obstacles to my success, but it is extremely difficult.
I have achieved a few worthy things in my life, but they do not seem to relate to accomplishing my dreams. Raising a son who is responsible and caring is wonderful, but I do not feel I had much to do with how he turned out. I think he is just a great person in and of himself. I published a magazine, but I never made much money from it. Original Creations was a labor of love and I could not continue it as I desired. I have sold some of my cards, but only to friends, so I do not feel they were a success. My poetry has been read on special occasions at church, but only because it related to the situation. I long to be recognized and appreciated.
I hope I can build my confidence and become a successful person.
Creative Journal – Entry Thirteen – Loneliness
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Loneliness is simply a part of life. Even in a crowd, I can feel lonely. I feel alone sometimes simply because I do not feel I fit in with many people. Loneliness is not a terrible thing to me anymore. It is something I live with daily. I miss having a significant other in my life, but I no longer feel I am diminished by being alone. It is not fair to say I am alone, because usually my Mom is here. I have our three dogs to keep me company too.
I once thought loneliness a curse, but now I realize being on my own has advantages. Being able to do as I please without having to answer to another is nice. Mom and I are comfortable living together.
Loneliness used to drive me to do very impulsive things. I would jump into relationships without giving much thought to the man I was with. I would go to some extremes to make myself attractive to men. I am just me now. I do not put on a show anymore. I am simply myself wherever I am. I rarely to never wear make-up and do not color my hair. I am comfortable in my own skin. I still try to wear nice clothes, but I do not bother to go out of my way to appear sexy. I do not go out with the intention of meeting a man. I do not go anywhere specifically to troll for men. I am rarely out in public without my Mom. I get very nervous when I am out alone so I do not go out. I would like to have Hope certified as a companion dog so that I could carry her wherever I go in public. It would help me emotionally. I do not know exactly what it is that makes me uncomfortable when I am out alone, but I get frightened.
Loneliness is not my favorite feeling, but I no longer cry over it. I try to fill my time with pursuits that keep me busy. I read, write, draw, walk, snuggle with Hope, clean house, cook, talk to Mom, compute, surf the internet, talk on the phone, do other various things, and am rarely bored. I can entertain myself, so I am not lonely, just sometimes alone.