Creative Journal – Entry Six – Place
Saturday, October 17, 2009
The place that is dearest to me is my home. I know I do not own it, but it is where I belong. Mom left everything to me in her will so one day this place will be mine. I am not looking forward to that time. I hope Mom is here another twenty years. I do not know what I will do without her. Mom supports me emotionally and helps me feel secure. I pay for all my food, things, and pay Mom some money to help with household expenses. She helps me with things I could not afford on my own and I pay her back over time. I do not have the income to pay the utilities here without her. I will not worry about all that now, time enough to worry about it when the time comes.
Our home is very cluttered, but it is comfortable. This is the place where I can relax and do as I wish most of the time. I have to do most of the cleaning and maintenance, but I do not mind. Living on thirty acres is nice. No one visits us unless we invite them and no strangers come this far off the road to annoy us. I can walk Hope without worrying about traffic. The driveway is gravel so I cannot walk as fast as I could on pavement, but it is okay. I like being off the beaten path. Sometimes I think it would be easier to live in the city, but the advantages to living in the country outweigh the disadvantages.
I have had homes of my own in the past, but the three marriages that gave me that freedom did not work out. Getting married at sixteen was not a good idea and did not last very long. Getting married to a man who did not want a baby and wanted a two-year trial marriage was not a bright thing to do. My last marriage was too perfect to last. I just do not do well in relationships, maybe part of it is because I was abused as a child and do not relate to men in the best ways. I can be needy and that does not appeal to men. I think that I am much more balanced now than I was in the past, but I do not face the stresses of trying to please a man.
My home allows me to have a puppy dog and Hope is a wonderful companion. She is much like a child to me. When I am away from home, I look forward to coming back and being greeted by Hope. Things here are not perfect, but it is close enough to put me at ease. I wish there were more space, but I am fortunate to live here. If my Mom had not offered to let me move in with her nine years ago, I do not know what I would have done. I was not in a good place emotionally or mentally. I have recuperated and grown strong here. I provide services for Mom that would cost her a lot of money if she had to hire someone to help her. Having Parkinson’s Disease makes it so she needs someone here 24/7, to make sure she does not get hurt or fall alone. I have had to go outside and help her up when she had a mini-stroke and fell down. Had she been alone she might have lay there for hours and could have been attacked by wild animals. We have foxes, coyotes, possums, raccoons, deer, feral cats, buzzards, hawks, and all manner of wild things here.
I am fortunate to live in a place where I can have many books. Books are so central to my life. I am an avid reader. This year I have read forty-five books. I think I would have read more, but until March, we had to care for my brother almost daily. I also read less when I am using the computer more. Today I finished reading Hitler’s War by Harry Turtledove. This was an alternate history novel and I enjoyed it very much. I will be watching out for the coming novels in this series. Harry Turtledove is a master of alternate history. I have been reading his books since the eighties.
Home is definitely where my heart is. I am blessed to have such a good place to stay. I am safe here and do not have to worry that anyone will kick me out or take away my place to stay.