Creative Journal – Entry Eleven – Peace of Mind
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Peace of mind is an elusive thing. Just when I think I have it something happens to cause upset and I have lost it again. I am more at peace now than I have been for many years. I am less emotional and more stable. Many of my memories have blurred and brought more peace, because they are not so vivid. Peace of mind means not having to worry that I might not have a place to live if I do not live up to someone’s expectations of me. Peace of mind is knowing that the important people in my life will continue being there for me. Alex being in Iraq tries my sense of peace. I worry about him, but it is not incessant.
My dog, Hope, brings peace of mind because she is always here for me. She loves me unconditionally and that is a rare thing in life. Walking with her outdoors brings peace. I can set my worries aside when we are walking and just live in that moment.
I used to worry a great deal about going to Hell. The hallucinations I had were often accusatory and told me I was damned. Even now, I have occasional dreams of being left behind at the rapture. These thoughts have often undermined my peace of mind. I thought I had been saved as a child, but last year I realized I did not really have a testimony so I committed my life to Jesus anew and was baptized again. I have found myself more at peace since doing this. I do not have as many nightmares and I do not worry as much about where I will go when I die. My doubts are less and I am usually at peace spiritually.
Peace of mind brings the ease to act with confidence. I can be sure of myself. It frees me to use my creativity. I am not constrained by guilt, shame, doubt, and worry. Life is enjoyable. I find pleasure in my experiences. I can express myself freely, without worry that I will be harshly judged.
I am not afraid when I am alone. I know that I am safe. I do not think of harming myself as often as I once did. I have attempted suicide in the past, but I rarely have that temptation anymore. I want to live and am quite happy with my life. Peace of mind usually permeates my days.
I know I am contributing to society even though I do not have a career. I provide constant care for my mother. I encourage my friends and family. I also try to lift up the people I meet in the wider world. I am generally kind. I write and reach out to others through my words. These things contribute to my peace of mind. Most of the time, I can believe I am a worthwhile individual; that my actions, thoughts, and opinions matter.
I am inspired to live at peace with all people, creatures, and things. I do what I can to make the world a better place. Peace of mind flows from these choices. I choose a comfortable, happy life. I do not always find peace, but when I am upset, I can usually calm myself by realizing that the bad times do not last.