Creative Journal – Entry Thirteen – Loneliness
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Loneliness is simply a part of life. Even in a crowd, I can feel lonely. I feel alone sometimes simply because I do not feel I fit in with many people. Loneliness is not a terrible thing to me anymore. It is something I live with daily. I miss having a significant other in my life, but I no longer feel I am diminished by being alone. It is not fair to say I am alone, because usually my Mom is here. I have our three dogs to keep me company too.
I once thought loneliness a curse, but now I realize being on my own has advantages. Being able to do as I please without having to answer to another is nice. Mom and I are comfortable living together.
Loneliness used to drive me to do very impulsive things. I would jump into relationships without giving much thought to the man I was with. I would go to some extremes to make myself attractive to men. I am just me now. I do not put on a show anymore. I am simply myself wherever I am. I rarely to never wear make-up and do not color my hair. I am comfortable in my own skin. I still try to wear nice clothes, but I do not bother to go out of my way to appear sexy. I do not go out with the intention of meeting a man. I do not go anywhere specifically to troll for men. I am rarely out in public without my Mom. I get very nervous when I am out alone so I do not go out. I would like to have Hope certified as a companion dog so that I could carry her wherever I go in public. It would help me emotionally. I do not know exactly what it is that makes me uncomfortable when I am out alone, but I get frightened.
Loneliness is not my favorite feeling, but I no longer cry over it. I try to fill my time with pursuits that keep me busy. I read, write, draw, walk, snuggle with Hope, clean house, cook, talk to Mom, compute, surf the internet, talk on the phone, do other various things, and am rarely bored. I can entertain myself, so I am not lonely, just sometimes alone.