Creative Journal – Entry Fourteen – Confidence
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Confidence gives me the strength to do things I once thought impossible. I do not have very much self-confidence at times. People can intimidate me easily. I work toward being more confident regularly. I have found believing in myself often depends on my feelings about myself. If I feel good, I am more likely to exhibit self-confidence. My physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being influence my level of confidence. It is truly an integrated quality. If any one of these parts of my make-up is malfunctioning my self-confidence suffers. Doubt, feelings of guilt, or shame can seriously undermine my self-confidence.
My confidence is fragile and somewhat dependent on the opinions of others. If someone reacts toward me in a negative way, I often lose confidence. I try to project a good self-image, but I am in reality weak in this regard. I often feel insignificant, less than intelligent, unattractive, unlovable, mentally and emotionally unstable. A look or tone of voice can shatter my self-confidence.
My mother left with her best friend, June, again this afternoon. I called to be sure that they had reached their destination safely. Mom hurried off the phone and I wonder if she is mad at me for some reason. If I were as confident as I should be, I would not worry; I would simply think she is busy with her friends. She might have been watching one of her favorite television shows, but my first thought was that she is angry with me. I will not feel at peace until I hear from her again. I frequently experience this lack of confidence. I am often afraid I have done or said the wrong thing. Even with Mom who I know loves me very much I can become unconfident. She has the power to totally wreck my self-esteem. I know she means me no harm, but her perceived displeasure still frightens me.
I think the lack of confidence keeps me from achieving some of my dreams. I realize I am gifted, but do not see myself as talented enough to become what I wish. I am terribly afraid of making mistakes that will make others think badly of me. I know this limits me, but my perfectionism keeps me from accomplishing much of what I hope to do. By not putting my work out for review, I protect myself from rejection. I am attempting to overcome these obstacles to my success, but it is extremely difficult.
I have achieved a few worthy things in my life, but they do not seem to relate to accomplishing my dreams. Raising a son who is responsible and caring is wonderful, but I do not feel I had much to do with how he turned out. I think he is just a great person in and of himself. I published a magazine, but I never made much money from it. Original Creations was a labor of love and I could not continue it as I desired. I have sold some of my cards, but only to friends, so I do not feel they were a success. My poetry has been read on special occasions at church, but only because it related to the situation. I long to be recognized and appreciated.
I hope I can build my confidence and become a successful person.