Nightmares plagued Morgan, but not only after the horror movies. She often awoke screaming or crying as she had for years. Luckily, she did not always wake Tony. Her husband would not have liked being disturbed during his sleep as frequently as she was terrorized.
In the dreams there were always large hands roaming over her body, and hungry eyes staring at her nakedness. There was never any way to hide. She was trapped and there was no escape. Sometimes she woke short of breath from being covered by a heavy body in the haunting dreams. She knew they were caused by memories she suppressed daily, but she never spoke to anyone about the abuse she had lived through. Her molester had told her he would claim she was crazy if she told anyone. She feared no one would believe her and she felt tarnished. Guilt usually dogged her hours. She had lived the secret as long as she could remember. There were people she protected by her silence. There was too much love involved to destroy other lives. She did not deserve absolution. She was a terrible sinner. She had brought all the suffering on herself and no one could ever understand. At least when she moved out of her parents’ home it finally stopped. She did not have to dress in voluminous clothes anymore. She did not have to hope she went unnoticed.
She was always looking for love. She craved it to fill the emptiness she felt inside her heart. Lust was usually what she found in games she played with neighborhood guys. There had been one serious relationship, but Charlie had never admitted she was his girlfriend. She supposed he was ashamed of her and she could understand because she did not consider herself attractive. That relationship came to a screeching halt one afternoon in his parents’ bedroom. They had finished making love and he had grabbed a loaded gun afterward. He pointed it at her head and began pulling the trigger repeatedly. He shouted he did not want to ever see her again as she ran out of the house. That experience sometimes found her in her dreams as well.
When Tony began courting her in high school, she was quick to respond to his kind words and sweet kisses. It did not take long to win her heart. She was like a homeless puppy craving attention and hoping to be taken home. He was handsome, tall, and generous with money and time. She gave him her body and heart simultaneously. Marriage was something magical she hoped would one day happen. When Tony asked she was ecstatic. The fact they were young did not seem to matter.
Later she could never remember exactly how they became a part of the group who got together several times a week to role-play. She only knew she loved the hours she spent with the special group of guys. Several of them had been acquaintances from her childhood and had grown up along with her. They became good friends over time. None of them were neighborhood guys, so they were not privy to her sordid history.
© Jo Ann J. A. Jordan
Saturday, October 26, 2013